In many ways, this has been one of the most challenging years of my life. Financially, it has been a rough year to be all in on crypto, but I can't really resent that. To be upset at the current state of the crypto economy makes me feel ungrateful for all that it has done for me and how far I've come. I said in the beginning it was never about the money and I still believe that, even if it gets tougher to be idealistic when faced with the harsh realities that commitment to a cause and change can come with. At times, I often have to consider whether or not I'm crazy to still be doing this.
I can't really call it either way if I'm being honest. It's hard, people quit, and the communities that I work in have no shortage of people reminding me all the time that STEEM isn't fair and the system is rigged for whales to make all the money. Honestly I don't feel that way, but I must admit that it is hard not to get a little jaded at times. Fuck it, life's not fair. Why get upset at people for doing better for themselves financially than I currently am? Clearly they have their own priorities or play the game differently than I do, they don't owe me anything. I play the game the way I want to play it and I live my life the same way.
In my humble opinion, I think Isaac Newton had his definition of insanity very much on point. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then there is an abundance of insane people in our society. Perhaps giving up and going back to the old way of life and wage slavery may appeal to others more than it does to me, maybe they can justify it better in their own ways, but personally I don't feel that's an option. To me, that is insanity. That's going back into the root cause of all of my unhappiness and misery and expecting myself to not be depressed and suicidal again trying to live a life I don't want to perpetuate a system I don't believe in.
If I have to choose between crazy and insane, then I'm choosing crazy. Crazy enough to stick it out the end and see where this path goes, no matter the outcome or the cost. Crazy enough to not slip back into the comfort zone of reliable money for selling off my soul piece by piece, making decisions and money for people that don't care about other human beings at all. I can handle being crazy, honestly it's kind of nice not knowing what comes next and how things are going to play out. The illusion that I ever did by embracing complacency and the alleged security that comes with that insane life is gone and I don't know how to put it back in place. I suppose that's only half the problem though, because even if I did, the truth is that I don't want it back.
In the past, my normal was to chase my dreams just far enough that it started getting inconvenient and then give up on them and find the next soul numbing, boring, meaningless way to exist by normal societal standards and do that until I couldn't anymore. Giving up now would just be another example of embracing my own insanity. I remember when I first started writing on the platform and I made the post about walking out of that life, almost two years ago now, I said that I literally don't care if I end up homeless, it's better than being suicidal and hating myself for trying to live a life I don't want.
This isn't for everyone. I'm not here to talk anyone into doing anything they don't want to do. All I am doing is writing down my own reasons for not giving up. If nothing else, this is my reminder when the next price drop comes or things get tougher. I don't dwell on the past, but remembering where I come from and why I am here is important. It keeps me moving forward and it's a good reminder to not find myself in the same place again in the future. No matter what comes next, there is no going backwards. Always forward. Namaste.
