I have mentioned already that my youngest son has ASD. Since I started my writing career, I haven't really talked much about him. I've left him out of everything because I don't really want people to go poking around.
I am writing this to the mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sisters, and brothers out there that feel like they are alone. To the people out there that feel like they are losing their mind and losing control. You've missed date night with the person you love because you can't find a sitter that understands how your ASD family member's mind works. You might only have one or two trusted people that can take the reins for a few hours, but what happens when they aren't there?
You might get frustrated when you can't go out into town without the fear of a melt down. Maybe it's not so much the melt downs your afraid of any more so much as the hushed whispers or the heated looks. People's ignorance leaves you feeling like a failure as a mother/father. You may even feel like you've failed at being human. Lord knows I have felt like this.
Let me tell you something . . . Are you ready for me to drop a truth bomb? You're a horrible person!
Hahahaha I just pissed some of you off right there didn't I? Seriously though, listen--er read-- what I have to say. Okay?
You may be upset with yourself for wanting to go out alone, or even pissed because you want to go to the movies but feel like crap once you get there. You feel guilty for feeling a bit of resentment. IT. IS. OKAY! You feel like you are being excluded by friends and even family members because of your ASD child or loved one. You don't get asked to hang out anymore. Sometimes it's because you have said "no" too many times and they simply quit asking. However, in the back of your mind, you think that it's because they don't want to be around you. You feel left out and hurt. It's okay. A little secret . . . if they don't want to hang out with you because of your ASD loved one, then they don't deserve to be in your life. Family or not. If they can't make the time to get to know your ASD loved one and spend time with them, then it's not your loss, it's theirs. People like to think the world revolves around them. It's okay, we all do it but if someone is doing it to you because of ASD, then they are simply not worth the headache and your time. You have more important things to deal with than babying and catering to their fragile ego.
We are humans and basic human instincts, emotions and feelings are all okay to feel. If you feel angry because your friends are going out without you, again, it's natural.
Honey, it is okay to be mad. IT is okay to feel a little resentment. It is okay to sit and stare at the speck on the wall for twenty minutes because you've been put through the wringer and have no desire to even move.
Let me tell you something. You need to remember yourself because if you don't, you will lose your mind. It is not healthy to devote yourself to everyone else 100% of the time. If you forget yourself, you will become nothing but a hollow shell and the small and completely harmless resentful feelings you had early on will bloom into something so much worse.
Love yourself. Care for yourself. REMEMBER YOURSELF. If you can't take care of yourself then how are you going to care for others.
As you might recall, I called you a horrible person earlier. Well, let me clear that up for you just a bit by saying I AM a horrible person. If needing to go to the gym for an hour to make sure I am physically fit enough to chase my ASD child around, then I'm horrible. If I go every three weeks to get my nails done just so I can remember I like being pampered a little bit, I'm horrible. If I have a glass of wine at the end of the day because I simply like the taste, I'm horrible. If I sneak a candy bar into the bathroom and eat it just so I don't have to share, I'm horrible.
The list can go on and on but I think you get the point! Okay, so to also clarify, that "horrible person" bit is all very tongue in cheek. I don't think for a second you are horrible or selfish for wanting things to yourself or to do things for yourself. Having a kid or family member with ASD is all about finding the right balance, not just for them but for you. If you are unhealthy --this means your mind as well as your body--then you can't take care of them like they need to be cared for.
Take time and love yourself. Be a little selfish sometimes. Find the balance and be happy! :)
Peace, my loves!
