I NEED HELP

Empty, yet feels heavy

Have you ever experienced where you feel like you are constantly in need of something that you don't even know?

You feel like you are just a mere empty shell without purpose.

This past weeks, I'm really having a hard time figuring out what is happening in me. I always feel like I am in desperate need of something or someone that could fill the emptiness that lurks within the depths of myself.
I don't even know what made me feel this way.

Is it my choice to pursue different college course instead of what I loved? or The hole left by her still remain empty waiting to be filled again? or Is it my sinister-slash-logical personality taking over me and wants nothing but more knowledge?

I don't really have any ideas as to what I want or whom I miss.

But a big HOLE rests within me and waiting to be filled.

Many nights kept me awake leaving me restless and bombarded by the thought of how pathetic I am to feel completely nothing.

It is definitely hard trying to solve such problem when you don't even know what is asked at the first place. Like an incomplete math problem or a riddle that only give more confusions to the reader that is unsolvable to begin with.

I've been feeling this crazy emotion for a month now. I have tried different ways and solutions that I see fit to fill the "hole" but nothing worked. I tried cooking different recipes everyday I found online yet I still feel incomplete. I tried making various deserts and sweets but I gained nothing. Only carbs and sugars fill my stomach not that something I need. I even tried entertaining kids with age 3-5 years old at home which I seriously don't to be with. But still I get nothing, I am even more annoyed being with them.

This is seriously pain in the ass.

Mendokusai

Being in this state, I feel really sad but without any reason at all. I pretend to smile and laugh like I mean it but no emotion is portrayed. I feel like I'm being fake to others and to myself.

I can't help it. This is what I am right now.

I don't know if this is what depression feels like but I don't have any reason to be depressed at all.
I am always happy. I do things what I want to so I don't have regrets. So I have no reason to be sad. I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I don't know anymore.

😞😞