"He's always doing this to you; leave him and move on, girl."
My friend, Nenrot, screamed out at me over the phone.
"It's not that simple. Every marriage faces challenges, and we can't all bail out when it's tough." I respond stubbornly, shaking my head. We talked a little bit more about my recently treated STD that I contracted from my husband before we hung up.
I had already set the table for Tade's arrival, a huge cake, cards, food, and wine for our indoor celebration of his birthday.
He arrived, as usual, a gloomy look pasted on his face. One look at the table, and he scowled. "What's all these?"
Crushed, I sighed. "I wanted to do something special for you for your birthday."
"Please get all this nonsense off my table. I didn't ask you to do anything."
He walked off and left me standing.
You have to wonder why I took all this crap; you probably even think I'm stupid for letting it happen to me. I saw all the signs, frankly. Looking back now, I know I practically forced myself on him.
Our relationship started about 13 years ago; it's been 7 years since we got married and 13 years of his flirting, cheating, and emotionally abusing me. I was star-struck the first day he came to my house, in the company of my elder sister's boyfriend.
He dressed neatly, smelled nice, and looked dapper. He collected my number, and we spoke a couple of times before I agreed to be his girlfriend.
Barely a month into our relationship, I knew he was bad for me. I sincerely knew he was. Women tend to know these things.
It's been a real roller coaster of emotions. I've had to treat STDs more times than I can count and compromise my values. Love does make you do crazy things.
I liked him so much, and I think we bonded because he told me about his interest in books. I thought I had found my soulmate, one who loves books. We had that in common. I eventually found out that that was a lie. Did I also mention that he's a chronic liar? He even tells lies that are unnecessary and messes up my brain to the point where I begin to question my sanity.
A few months into the relationship, I discovered that he had other girlfriends and was planning on settling with one of them. It was too late by then; I had fallen in love with him.
Please don't say it; I know. How could I cope with that? Was I that stupid? I did try to leave, and then, boom, I found out I was pregnant. He made it clear to me that he wasn't ready to start a family. After so much back and forth, he grudgingly agreed to make an honest woman out of me, and he did. He didn't even smile throughout the ceremony.
I was ecstatic; I thought I finally had him to myself, but little did I know.
I had my first child months later, and my second child over six years after. The only place we connect is in bed. I would let you figure out how many minutes it lasts. We could argue for hours, and end up in bed afterward.
I've tried to leave many times, and I've been called names by people for tolerating his excesses.
I know I should have taken a graceful exit a long time ago, but I love him. It's the same line every stupid woman who can't help herself drops, right? Well, it's okay to blame me; I know I deserve it. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose whom we love; the universe has a hand in these things. I've been one of the bystanders criticizing my fellow woman for taking bullshit till it happened to me.
I still remember the late nights and the nights he didn't sleep at home or bother to call ahead.
I decided to go and talk to him to see if he could be accommodating and tell me what was on his mind this particular evening, it's his birthday after all.
"What's the matter? What are you doing here?" He scowled as soon as he saw me enter his room. It's his room; we had separate rooms.
"I came to talk to you."
"Make it brief. I'm stepping out soon."
"Tade, why do you hate me so much?" How come you never appreciate anything I do for you?"
"Is that why you are here?"
"Yes, please. Do you even love me at all?"
"Okay, let me just tell you the truth: you are not my type.
"What do you mean? You asked me out, remember?"
"Well, I did, but I wasn't planning a future with you."
"That wasn't what you told me before." I stifled a sob; his words cut through me like a knife.
"Well, I'm sorry, but it is what it is. And then, you had to get pregnant and tie me down. You desperately wanted to be married, and you thought a baby would change everything. Well, you thought wrong."
"That's not true."
"Keep telling yourself that. The sight of you annoys me and reminds me of the life I could have had; no offense. I already had a serious girlfriend before you came into the picture and ruined everything."
"You brought me into the picture."
"Well, you ought to have taken a hint and made yourself scarce somewhere along the line."
"Can I ask you a question, please?"
"Shoot. There's no guarantee I would answer, but let's have it."
"Is there any chance whatsoever that you could ever love me? I mean, is there anything I should be doing that I'm not? Can I ever win you to my side?"
"You are a beautiful, smart, and gorgeous woman, but it's a no. You are just not the type of woman I want."
"Even if there's a possibility as tiny as a pepper seed, I would give it my best and go all in. I would even give you time to find a place in your heart for me."
"I'm sorry, Seyi; I tried to love you, but I just couldn't. Do you think I haven't tried? I just don't find you attractive anymore."
That was the same day I resigned to fate and packed out of the house. I took my L's and my profits in peace (my children) and left to never look back.
Guess, who's begging me, saying that he has realized his mistake and wants to make up. Yeah, you got it; it's him. I'm just not available. That's a story for another day.
For now, I'm taking care of my boys and toughing it out on the streets. We'll be fine.
Time doesn't heal all wounds; it only fades them. Every time I think about it all, the painful memories keep rushing back. The memories of the years I wasted with him, the dreams I sacrificed, and the hurt I had to endure just cause I wanted to be called his wife. No one knows
I debated within myself if I should put this story out there, but this is my side of the story, my truth, and it's mine to tell.
IMAGES BY ME.