06/01/2005: Withdrawal leads to contemplation or bankruptcy; I can’t remember which.
06/02/2005: When opportunity knocked, he was in the bathroom.
06/03/2005: There is no such thing as “too much reading.”
06/06/2005: Change.
06/07/2005: Thank god for geeks.
06/08/2005: The sun! (Brought to you by General Electric. We bring good things to life.)
06/09/2005: There is not an eternity that can exclude you and be called true.
06/10/2005: What more savage mirror than a child?
06/13/2005: No matter what, divorce sucks.
06/14/2005: When he playfully suggested that she shave off her facial hair, she slapped him silly. . . . She loved her mustache!
06/15/2005: If a message is not received, then it cannot be sent.
06/16/2005: The best choices are the ones that work.
06/17/2005: Electricity is not as important as love. . . . But it’s a close thing.
06/20/2005: Try the new “Stress Diet”: Lose weight while you worry!
06/21/2005: Procrastination doesn’t pay the bills, but it makes them more exciting when the time comes.
06/22/2005: You’re fooling yourself if you think that you can survive the “we need to talk” talk.
06/23/2005: Killed in courtroom. Brain-dead.
06/24/2005: External Advisory Committee meeting at Ponce Hilton. No wisdom, today.
06/27/2005: I forgot. Whatcha gonna do? Kill me?
06/28/2005: Anger is a useful tool, but it makes a terrible raison d’être.
06/29/2005: Nobody is perfect, but some of us are less perfect than others.
06/30/2005: Fear is as common as dirt and just as messy.
07/01/2005: Don’t ask God for money; Heaven’s accountant is filing bankruptcy.
07/05/2005: You can’t heal what you can’t see. [Learning to be less literal.]
07/06/2005: In the book of life, she was page 210.
07/07/2005: Being silly won’t kill you.
07/08/2005: When everything is magic, you can hear the deep hum of the universe.
07/11/2005: What is the exact level of your participation?
07/12/2005: It is not my place to advise you on your fears.
07/13/2005: [For women only] If you like cheese, get a cow; if you like deception, get married.
07/14/2005: Writing is not a substitute for action; first of all, it’s a helluva lot more complicated.
07/15/2005: Do your job. . . . It’s better than a shot to the head.
07/18/2005: What you pay is almost never what you owe.
07/19/2005: I get no kick from champagne, but that smile on your face makes me drunk.
07/20/2005: The value of melodrama shouldn’t be underestimated.
07/21/2005: Let us then eschew the nasty habit of breathing.
07/22/2005: Don’t count time.
07/26/2005: It’s probably just something in the water.
07/27/2005: Justice is a convenient fiction.
07/28/2005: There is never enough time.
07/29/2005: When he asked her for her cell number, her head exploded.
08/01/2005: The expectations of others shouldn’t be a deciding factor.
08/02/2005: Don’t toy with me, evil man; give me that blender.
08/03/2005: Writing tip for the day: Parallel structure is not always possible; it is not always desirable.
08/04/2005: If only I could be a giant.
08/05/2005: Anger is self-defeating.
08/08/2005: Love never gets old.
08/09/2005: Sometimes things end. Sad, but true.
08/10/2005: We feel joy, often, but defeat, never!
08/11/2005: Life comes in waves; be a surfer.
08/12/2005: Wildlife is not convenient.
08/15/2005: Excuse the leg. Can ye still walk then?
08/16/2005: Everyone sees a different secret world.
08/17/2005: You can improve on the fruit, but you can’t change the root.
08/18/2005: Safety is an illusion that the government actively encourages.
08/19/2005: Fill in the blank: I am ______________ perfect.
08/22/2005: Work is not always something you do; at times it is something you are.
08/23/2005: Why is conservation considered to be a form of denial?
08/24/2005: The only downside to living in a ghost town is that ghosts like to party.
08/25/2005: I’m not lazy; I’m the poster child for the Conservation of Energy Foundation.
08/26/2005: Certainty is a comforting illusion.
08/29/2005: Trying to pretend that life doesn’t suck takes a lot of energy.
08/30/2005: The only way up is through the roof. If you can tell me the deeper significance of that statement, then you are better off than I am.
08/31/2005: The wall that they erected couldn’t keep out ideas.
09/01/2005: Wow! Time flies when yer breaking the law!
09/02/2005: I’m not asking for library-quiet, but something less than an elementary-school recess would be nice.
09/06/2005: What you want to hear and what I want to say are not necessarily congruent.
09/07/2005: Have you ever noticed that people who speak in pronouncements rarely get anything done?
09/08/2005: The war between the hedgehogs and the gerbils was called on account of cuteness.
09/12/2005: Taxes are never just.
09/13/2005: I had me a albatross what slowed me down a piece.
09/14/2005: Trust the comedy.
09/15/2005: When did unhappiness become the norm?
09/16/2005: Sometimes parents feel impelled to get their own way with their kids because they so rarely do in the other aspects of their lives.
09/19/2005: I have a mandate from the people: Screw ‘em! [President Bush’s not-so-secret fantasy.]
09/20/2005: We all want it all.
09/21/2005: I won’t call you “stupid” again if you take your head out of that pot of liver stew when you talk to me.
09/22/2005: The effortless dance of frictionless thought.
09/23/2005: There is an upper limit, but we usually only know what it is after having passed it. ALT: There is an upper limit, but how do you know when you have reached it?
09/26/2005: Starvation is no substitute for practice. – from The Starving Artist Handbook.
09/27/2005: Honor tells you what you should do; pragmatism tells you what you can do; the government tells you what you will do.
09/28/2005: There is no greater bitterness than that which is caused by routine.
09/29/2005: We take comfort in our routines because they are the only things that we can control with any degree of confidence.
09/30/2005: The role of the Geek in society is crucial; without him (or, increasingly, her), we are forced to think for ourselves.
10/03/2005: In the eternal battle between love and another cup of coffee, the coffee wins out every time.
10/04/2005: Ending relationships can be as difficult as starting them.
10/05/2005: First, find a good title; the rest will come.
10/06/2005: My wife is like New England; if you don’t like the weather, just wait ten minutes.
10/07/2005: Life is better with your eyes open.
10/10/2005: Learn as much as you can about everything.
10/11/2005: Numbers are more predictable than people, but they’re no fun on a date.
10/12/2005: For God’s sake, it’s only water. [In Puerto Rico, people seem to lose all ability to cope with anything when it rains.]
10/13/2005: Don’t worry: your hopelessness will eventually give way to despair.
10/14/2005: The last time she called, her anger was bigger than a breadbox.
10/17/2005: Like it or not, Stephen King is a Great American Voice.
10/18/2005: A grave is the last place you’ll look.
10/19/2005: I’m not as sophisticated as you; do you mind if I fart?
10/20/2005: Please take your politics away from here.
10/21/2005: I do not subscribe to the “dress for an accident” school of fashion.
10/24/2005: Be wary of men with ponytails.
10/25/2005: There is a degree of comfort that is more dangerous than danger is.
10/26/2005: A good cup of coffee rivals sex; a bad cup of coffee is still better than a kick in the nuts. [Unused alternate: Is coffee better than sex? Hmmmm.]
10/27/2005: Luxuries are the things we would die to have; necessities, we would have or die.
10/28/2005: No guts, no digestion.
10/31/2005: I was living in the past, but my visa expired.
11/01/2005: It’s great that you don’t care that I’m bald, but must you trumpet the fact to every passerby?
11/02/2005: Your parents were the best in the world? You can be, too. They were the worst? You don’t have to be.
11/03/2005: Stress might kill you, but at least it keeps you busy.
11/04/2005: There are only so many ways to be patient, then you just have to kill somebody.
11/07/2005: Maintaining the status quo is not always bad.
11/08/2005: When you want to get ahead, remember to brush and floss; chances are bad breath will be something of a barrier.
11/09/2005: No one capable of orgasm is bloodless. Remember that the next time you talk to your boss.
11/10/2005: If your addictions don’t define you, you’re not doing it right.
11/11/2005: Three marriages have been enough to teach me that, while intelligence is not necessarily obliterated by love, lust is one hell of an eraser.
11/14/2005: Underneath it all, he was really a bastard.
11/15/2005: Jeff isn’t used to the smog; he keeps breathing.
11/16/2005: The answer is almost always 27; it’s the question that we can’t seem to pin down.
11/17/2005: It easy to forget that children are separate humans, but don’t.
11/18/2005: Fridays can’t seem to get away from the future.
11/21/2005: Mondays are better than nothing.
11/28/2005: Being thankful is more difficult than complaining.
11/29/2005: Bernice lost her virginity in an unfortunate incident involving three half-tame yaks and a stolen box of stale Cracker Jacks.
11/30/2005: If you have to talk about it, you probably aren’t doing it right.
