1. High self-esteem
2. Freedom from enabling behaviours
3. Absence of codependency
4. Genuineness
5. Warmth
6. Empathy
7. Self-disclosure
8. Social exchange
9. Enjoyment
10. Dependability
11. Energizing feelings
12. Demonstrated mutual interest
You can try to follow about this rule to maintain/build a health relationship.
High self-esteem (自尊心)
• Love for self is primary,before you build healthy relationships with others.
• Life position: I’m OK;you’re OK.
• The following life positions are not healthy:
I’m OK; you’re not OK.
I’m not OK; you’re OK.
I’m not OK; you’re not OK.
Freedom from enabling behaviours
• Good relationship: no enabling behaviour
• Enabling occurs when someone’s actions unintentionally allow irresponsible, dysfunctional, or destructive actions of another person to continue.
• The enabler is trying to help. But in reality, he/she is not.
• In a good relationship, people are free from enabling behaviours
Example: Your girlfriend/boyfriend who’s cooking (i.e. the enabling behaviour) for you all the time regardless of her own needs is not a good girlfriend, since she doesn’t know how to love herself first
Absence of co-dependency
A healthy relationship: no co-dependency
• The result of enabling behaviours
• An emotional state, e.g. ‘I can’t live without my girlfriend / boyfriend’
• Co-dependency is often the result of an enabler focusing too much on the needs and behaviours of the other, and both suffer as a result. Codependents feel compelled to help others, and they never think they have done enough.
• Individuals with low selfesteem are more likely to take extra steps to please others.
Genuineness
• Genuineness means revealing your true self and striving to be honest. This creates trust in the relationship.
• Honesty, openness and authenticity
• Hurt is likely, but healthy relationships can tolerate pain
Warmth / Acceptance / Unconditional positive regard
• Unconditional positive regard
• A warm acceptance of each other’s personhood.
• Unconditional positive regard: two people appreciate each other’s unique personalities and allow for human flaws
Empathy
• Empathy – the ability to experience and think from another person’s perspective
• ‘Empathetic men become co-beings. They don’t talk at you or interrupt. They listen and stand beside you, and in their presence, you have a wonderful feeling that you can be yourself’.
• Accept differences in how people think and feel and not categorise them as right or wrong.
Self-disclosure
• Individuals share information about themselves with others, and this is risk-taking.
• People express on deeper levels, reveal more of their hidden selves, and hence trust is built and a relationship enlivened.
Do you have friends or confidants to whom you can reveal your deepest secrets and thoughts when you’re in need?
Social Exchange
• Social exchange theory: health of relationships can be assessed by their outcomes, or what the participants are receiving, compared to what they are giving.
• Do I receive benefits that outweigh costs? Is the relationship good for me?
Enjoyment
• People enjoy relationships that are encouraging, supportive and affirming.
• A healthy relationship will have times of unhappiness, but overall joy is the characteristic.
Dependability
• Dependability: each person in the relationship will do what he/she says unless circumstances prevent it.
• Trust develops between individuals who can count on each other to be fair and dependable
Energising feelings
• Some relationships drain your energy, but positive relationships should fulfill individuals and provide sparks of energy.
• You leave an interaction feeling ‘up’ in that relationship.
Demonstrated mutual trust
• Positive individuals enjoy sharing with others, and they love to be asked about their lives.
I believe that the most important things and the most precious is about a relationship.