Hello community!
I have been dealing with depression and bad anxiety for 7 years now. Growing up I was never a stressed or depressed child. Even when being bullied at school or having a bad day, I would have never considered myself depressed.
I did struggle with body image issues throughout middle and high school, but I have always been a cheerful person and been able to look past the bad things in my life.
When I was 18, one of my best friends committed suicide. Though this was not the first time in my life I had someone close to me pass away, it definitely hurt way more and it was so unexpected. My friend who passed away showed no signs of being depressed or that something was wrong. He was very good at hiding it. So, when I go the call about his suicide, I thought it was some sick joke.
At the time of this event I had been in an off and on relationship for almost a year with a guy who was extremely emotional and physical abusive towards me. And with everything piling up on me in my life, I went to the doctor for help. This was the first time I was put on anti-depressants and anxiety medicine.
Though I continued to take the medication, nothing seemed to help. My friend who passed had also worked with me. So everyday going into work was tortured. I felt like he would be around the next corner or randomly pop up to say "Gotcha" like it was all some huge terrible joke. I would write him note and leave them on the bulletin board in the break room knowing he would never read them, but hoping he would.
I found myself abusing my anxiety medication with the encouragement of my crazy boyfriend, who also liked to take my pills himself. But somehow I pulled my head out of all that and got so far away from that psycho.
Fast forward to the past 3-4 years......
I graduate college and go on to take a job at an oil transportation company, where I work as a scheduler. The job was stressful, yes, extremely. But it was the work environment and co-workers who made it even worse for me.
I would look up out of my cubicle at times to find everyone BUT myself had gone for a smoke break. (I don't smoke) And I would be left doing other's jobs that I was not trained to do. Don't get me wrong I'm a team player all the way but with no knowledge of what I need to be doing, I have to wing it and hope for the best. Not only that but so much ageism going on in that office. People literally treating like shit because I was the youngest there. Yet I worked the hardest and was bomb at my job.
So not only did my lazy co-workers make my job so much more stressful but the managers kept preaching "change, change change" What change? I didn't see any freaking change while I worked there. Things just got worse and worse. Like two of the managers BOTH hiring their brothers because they needed jobs..... And were these two men qualified? No. Did we have a position for them? No. I have worked since THE DAY I turned 16. I have worked for everything I have. And I don't believe in sitting around and waiting for it.
In the short of it so I can finish this story, my place of work was driving me nuts. People playing favorites and kissing ass for cigarette breaks is not my kind of place.
During this time period I thought about killing myself so many times. I tried hanging myself twice, that didn't work out. And putting the gun I own to my head. But I was chicken or wanted to live? I don't know because when I think back to the state I was in at those times I seriously can't put myself in that mind set. It's almost like my depression is a whole completely different person.
I laid in bed for days, didn't eat and cried because I was still alive. Looking back on it, I don't know how I made it through.
So yes I have a new job now. I have been there for 8 months. I still from time to time become some what depressed but I feel like life is genuinely better. And yes I have bad anxiety, but I am trying so hard to pull through the panic attacks and stress that build up inside me the natural way.
Deep breathes. Exercise. And lots of cuddles with my dogs.
