Government. Society. Peers. Parents. Media. Social media. TV. Your sister. “Authorities” of every odor. They all want to control you. And they do so using the only methods they have available to them: Threats and manipulation.
There are really no other forces outside ourselves that can alter our behavior at all. Those are the only two things. And your governments and sisters have mastered the arts of threat and manipulation to a scientific level.
Read Robert Cialdini’s “Influence” for just a beginning taste of this spectacularly advanced psychological science. He describes a set of psychological principles which are present in nearly all of us to some degree. He’s labeled them: The Reciprocity Rule, Contrast Principle, the Consistency Principle, Social Proof, Authority, Liking, and Scarcity.
Each of these can be (are) used against us, alone or in combination, frequently. Constantly. To get us to believe or behave in a way that is profitable to those who are deploying them against us.
What manipulators gain from manipulating you comes in the form of things as benign as profit from the sale of something they helped you discover you really really need… to things as perverse as the satisfaction of setting you on their version of the “right” path. Ugh.
Then there are those who just get a kick out of controlling us. Basically people with just a little streak of sociopathy in their character structure. Maybe they were bullied as kids and this is how they “get back” at the world.
Maybe they were the bullies as kids. I don’t know.
But these are the people who are most often attracted to positions of perceived power.
All of them—the honest politicians, well-meaning relatives, helpful advertisers, loving governments, and every sweetly smiling Hare Krishna girl offering you a flower at the airport—seem to converge on you. They all want you to do something that benefits them.
And of course, they’ll tell you it’s all for your own good.
As if all that isn’t enough, we feel conditioned pressures from INSIDE OURSELVES to comply with their wishes. To please them. Nay: to do THE RIGHT THING.
To do THE SMART THING.
To do THE APPROVED THING.
To do THE POPULAR THING.
(please excuse my dirty language.)
Our dear fellow humans who wish to control us do so using subtle threats and manipulation. And they get you to conform to their desires by getting you to believe that you are doing either the “smart” thing, or the “right” thing.
They carry the implied threat of “If you don’t do what we want you to, we won’t think you’re smart. We won’t like you. We won’t approve of you.”
Why don’t we always just respond with, “If that’s the worst you can do, who cares?”
We want to be smart. We want to be right. We want to be liked. If they can make you believe that you can’t be smart or right or liked without doing the thing they tell you you “should,” (another dirty word) then they have you right where they want you. You feel gross, but there seems to be only one logical, one right course of action. You have just been manipulated, once more, into doing something you don’t want to do.
It’s not your fault. Years of conditioning, ever since you were a baby, have made you this way.
You’re an adult now though. It’s time to feel like you own yourself again. It’s time to be free.
But… where is freedom? Is it a place? A country? A jurisdiction?
Here’s my take on this: freedom is a state… of mind. You can live in the most liberty-oriented spot in the world, but if you’re trapped in a caged mindset, you are still not free.
“What are you talking about Chase? Of course I have control over my own mind.”
Oh yeah. When was the last time you got talked into doing something you didn’t want to do? How often do you buy something, and proceed to be mystified as to why you bought it? How often do you feel GUILTY about doing something your own way, rather than the other guy’s way?
How much do you worry?
I think that being free means
a) being able to ignore or effectively cope with those who seek to control us
b) being more “present” more often, realizing that everything we’re worrying about isn’t happening to us right now, in this moment, and probably never will
These two things help us feel more in control of what we do, and how we feel. We're not free when we're doing things we don't want to do. We're not free when we're worrying.
The reality is: It is absolutely impossible for anyone to control your behavior without your permission. And since they need your permission to control you… the only person who ever has any control over you is you. Every decision we make is entirely, and only, our decision. When we go along with what someone else wants even though we don’t want to, it’s because we made the decision to do that. Not because they actually have any control over us. The power we perceive them to have over us is an illusion.
If the worst someone can do to me is dislike me, disapprove of me, or tell me they think I’m stupid, I’d just as soon do what I know and feel inside is right for me. They can jump in a lake.
How do we deal with manipulative folks? There’s a book I can’t recommend enough. It’s called “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,” by Manuel J. Smith. I found my copy in a box at a dump. It’s one of the most practical guides I’ve read on any subject. In this case, the subject is assertiveness. Which, of course, will make you more free.
In this book, Smith begins by describing your “Bill Of Everyday Assertive Rights.” All of your assertive rights revolve around one basic right: You have the right to be the ultimate judge of your own behavior, thoughts and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.
The list goes on:
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses to justify your behavior.
You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”
There are several more of these. You get the picture.
He goes on to detail the common ways other people manipulate us. Then he shows you specific techniques to deal with these. Way too much to discuss here, but if you have trouble being assertive, or don’t really know how to deal with manipulation without getting manipulative yourself, get this book. It’s $1.83 on kindle.
How do we deal with imposed worry? From the news, from what might happen to us, etc.
Be present. Come down from your head. Look around. It's not actually happening to you. Everything is fine. Probably 99% of the stuff I worry about isn't happening. And never does.
All the worrying you do (and I do) is doing nothing for you but aging you, shortening your life span, and distracting you from the only place you can make a difference and be happy: the Present.
Turn off the news. And never look at it again.
"But I'll be uninformed!"
But you'll live longer.
Ultimately the thing we must realize is, freedom exists first inside ourselves already. Every day we can make lots of little choices that make us freer in physical life. Saying “no,” to things that don’t feel right. Saying “yes” to the thoughts that come from inside us instead of having to have them verified by someone else first.
It’s impossible for anyone to control you, or the way you respond to them. Or the way you respond to challenges in life. Take that and have fun with it. Become uncontrollable.
Our freedom goes away when we think that other people have power over us.
These people lose their power when we stop believing that they have power over us. Because in reality, they don't.
As soon as we focus on our own lives and stop listening to those who wish to control us, then we immediately make our own lives more peaceful, abundant and free.
