不知不觉中已经注册HIVE 4年时间了，还记得当时的领路人给我注册了账号，初次写自我介绍的情景，当时用的是一张古装照，当时说一定要爆照，虽然我也经常发自拍，但是这个自我介绍还是让我感觉到非常正式。自我介绍对我来说是非常难的，介绍太好，担心自己万一哪天塌房怎么办？lol，介绍太差，估计就没有朋友了，虽然一直以来都朋友很少。我不太清楚为什么自己会显得这么孤僻，但当我想到小时候，我就会想起外婆家的那个天井，从那里可以看到外面蓝蓝的天空，而我却似乎被抛弃在了那个时空里。
昨天和姐姐又提起到底是左边代表妈妈还是右边代表妈妈，最后又通过那个咨询师证实了左边属于阴，所以左边是代表妈妈的，如同我长疱疹，都是左边长，腰疼也是左边，脖子也是左边，看来我和我妈的关系还是存在许多问题的。昨晚我还想到了腮腺炎这件事，前几年我带女儿回武汉的时候，女儿也得了腮腺炎，在这之前和在这之后，她都没有再得过腮腺炎。而我小时候，却是腮腺炎的常客，看来和环境有关。我妈说她小时候也经常腮腺炎，在她绝经之前也经常长疱疹，又或者我是遗传了她的这些基因？又或者经历？
当时去武汉的时候是在HIVE分享生活的第一年，离开武汉的时候，我记得A美女要给我送大龙虾，但不巧的是当天我正好坐火车离开，由于A美女已经买了，所以这只大龙虾就寄给武汉的家人了。后来给A美女送了一些苹果，可能苹果有些多，不知道后来苹果是被怎么消化了。在烟台的经历，也很让人难忘，人生的喜怒哀乐大概都经历了一次，有时候觉得自己在天堂，有时候又觉得自己在地狱。最后感觉自己是在夏天的暴雨中被淋湿透，备受打击的失意人，人生中第二次感受到被暴击一万点，濒临在生与死的边缘。
之后回了北京，依然沉醉在准备注会的视频中，一是相信机构说的视频看完90%，通过考试的概率在99%，二是这是一种很好的麻醉自己的方式，因为自那以后，我测试自己的依恋类型就变成了恐惧型依恋，即既是焦虑型又是恐惧型。作为INFJ，我太喜欢剖析自己了，高敏感的人大概都比较喜欢自省。后来的结果证明，机构的说法是为了不退费，而自己逃避的方式也并没有解决问题。我们都受伤了，并不是我一个人感觉到难过，而其他人无动于衷。人生有时候就是很狗血，当我毫无觉察的时候，我只是命运的提线木偶。
再后来，我收拾好心情又重新回来了HIVE，还无意中邀请了一帮朋友来HIVE，于是日子又丰富起来。有几位朋友说发朋友圈不仅没人看，而且也没有收益，也看到几位朋友因为要来分享生活，变得更加积极的面对生活，特地拍照发帖，坚持记录，锻炼文笔，就像着魔了一样，这大概就是HIVE的魅力，给我们生活带来改变。那些沉睡的照片，那些封印的朋友圈，在这里可以找个人倾诉一下，让自己被看见，那些收到的关心、温馨的鼓舞和安慰，又或者记录本身就是美好的。在HIVE的故事还在继续，让我们一起探索和前行吧！
English translation by AI for someone who is interested in my post but from other countries:
Unknowingly, I’ve already been registered on HIVE for 4 years. I still remember the person who guided me to register my account and the scene of writing my first self-introduction. At that time, I used an ancient-style photo. I said I had to post a photo of myself, and although I often post selfies, this self-introduction still made me feel very formal. Self-introductions have always been hard for me. If the introduction is too good, I worry about what might happen if I "fall from grace" one day (lol). If it’s too bad, I might not have any friends. Though I’ve always had very few friends, I’m not quite sure why I seem so solitary. But when I think back to my childhood, I always recall my grandmother’s courtyard. From there, I could see the blue sky outside, but it felt like I had been left behind in that space and time.
Yesterday, I was talking with my sister again about whether the left side represents mom or the right side. Eventually, we confirmed with the consultant that the left side represents the Yin, so the left side represents mom. It's like when I get herpes, it always appears on the left, my back pain is on the left, and my neck pain is also on the left. It seems there are still many issues between me and my mom. Last night, I also thought about mumps. A few years ago, when I took my daughter back to Wuhan, she got mumps. Before and after that, she hasn’t had it again. But when I was a child, I was a frequent visitor to the mumps clinic. It seems that environment plays a role. My mom said she also often had mumps when she was a child, and before her menopause, she frequently had herpes. Could it be that I inherited these genes from her? Or perhaps it’s the experiences?
When I went to Wuhan, it was during the first year of sharing my life on HIVE. When I left Wuhan, I remember A-beauty wanted to give me a big lobster, but unfortunately, I happened to be leaving on a train that day. Since A-beauty had already bought it, she sent the lobster to my family in Wuhan. Later, I sent A-beauty some apples. Maybe I sent too many apples, and I’m not sure how they were dealt with. My experience in Yantai was also unforgettable. I think I went through all the joys and sorrows of life. Sometimes I felt like I was in heaven, and other times I felt like I was in hell. In the end, it felt like I was drenched in a summer rainstorm, a disheartened person who had been severely hit, feeling the second time in my life being struck with 10,000 points of damage, on the edge of life and death.
Afterwards, I returned to Beijing, still immersed in preparing for the CPA exam videos. First, I believed the institution’s claim that watching 90% of their videos would give me a 99% chance of passing the exam. Second, it was a good way to numb myself because after that, I realized that my attachment style had shifted to fearful attachment, which is both anxious and fearful. As an INFJ, I really enjoy analyzing myself. Highly sensitive people probably like to self-reflect. Later, the result proved that the institution’s claim was just to avoid refunding, and my avoidance strategy didn’t solve the problem. We were all hurt, and it wasn’t just me who felt sad while others were indifferent. Life can sometimes be really melodramatic. When I was unaware, I was just a puppet controlled by fate.
Later, I picked myself up and returned to HIVE. I also unintentionally invited a group of friends to join HIVE, and my days became more fulfilling. Some friends said that posting on social media not only got no views but also didn’t bring any benefits. I also saw a few friends become more positive about life after deciding to share their experiences. They started taking photos, posting, and diligently recording, almost as if they were obsessed. This is probably the charm of HIVE — it brings change to our lives. Those dormant photos, those sealed posts on social media, here we can find someone to confide in and let ourselves be seen. The care we receive, the warm encouragement and comfort, or perhaps the act of recording itself is beautiful. The story on HIVE continues, so let’s explore and move forward together!
