She sounded like she knew that this reality would hurt you and wanted to buffer you from the immediate shock of this event. That is love in action trying to help prolong your pain and grief. Grieving is a very difficult process and I am sorry you are having to endure this chapter in your life.

Losing my father gave me a similar and intimate experience with death and loss. One thing that helped speed up the process of grieving for me was to not focus on my loss but on their gain. Try to celebrate her life and try to focus on what sufferings she will no longer have to endure while holding tightly onto all of the good memories and the lasting positive impact that she had on this life in so many different ways. We all have our shortcomings but the things that will carry on is that legacy she left behind. You are an example of that based on what you said she did to raise you up and be there for you in the critical ways.

Hang in there and since everyone grieves in their own ways and in their own time... just get the best closure you can out of the process. She didn't give you a chance for the closure most people would begin to start to have ... but I feel (and could be totally wrong) that she excluded you on purpose to insulate and protect you from the pain she knew was coming for you. That in and of itself is a very admirable thing to think of to do in your last wishes.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.