Sounds like an "I Love Lucy" episode!

If I am very clever, and make like a contortionist, I can get the cukes. It's not easy, and I am not happy while doing it (a cucumber leaf jabbed into my eye)

Your gardening adventures are always amusing, informative, and inspiring.
Mine?
I'm trying to fixate on positivity,
so,
that takes my gardening stories off the table.

TRAGEDY! Plunder, pillage! Worse: the marauding, thieving villains are cute, furry mammals, not nasty little hard-shelled beetles that are so multitudinous, I've seen entire plants covered in brown (from afar; up close the shiny green shells of the beetle but be considered pretty and blingy, but i'm not falling for it).
Ok, time to find some success outside, in the dirt, for me to celebrate.....