Ohhh, I hear you, and feel your pain, and applaud your writing style:

All roads lead to Spectrum, a scourge upon the earth. Would that Earth could eat this company up and spit it out. Evil lurks among those modems and routers and cables and ethernet connections. BEWARE.
"Here there be dragons" - and routers and modems -
That lake estate has been in your family since 1790....???
That is rich! I love it!