(Image from Canva Pro)
Can I love someone and at the same time letting him go? Am I doing the right thing? Did I lost myself in a relationship?
This morning I woke up with all these questions in my head. I have been in a relationship since october 2020. Actually is my first serious relationship and in these 2 years we have lived many adventures and also changed a lot.
We met in Spain, but he's not from here. He's afroamerican. When we met he was already in Spain for 3 years. He just moved to M谩laga (like me) and he wanted to stay here long term (buying an apartment and all that...).
Unfortunately he lived some bad experiences with the police which made him change his mind.
Last summer we left to Spain to live some time in Asia. When we left I already could feel the conflict. He was saying that he was not coming back while I said that I always come back to Spain.
And the moment came. It came the moment to leave Asia and come back home. So I came back to Spain and he went to Ghana.
Ghana actually is not his home country. He is from Nigeria, but he saw a volunteer opportunity to collaborate in an eco village and he went there. Actually I was the one who proposed this.
This idea came at a time when I completely lost my direction on Bali. Professionally my online ventures were not turning out the way I wanted. Not only I was not making enough income to pay the bills, but also I was not enjoying what I was doing.
Personally I was not feeling like home. I missed my friends in Spain and I didn't feel I had my own space. So I stopped. I had a talk with my partner and we bought the flight tickets: me to Spain and he to Ghana. Everything happened so fast but I felt I was doing the right thing.
It's been only 10 days that we have been apart but I feel like it's been already a month. At the beginning I was missing him so much. Waking up together, feeling his body, listening to his laugh, ... actually my eyes get wet while I write these words.
But a couple of days ago I started to see some things I hadn't reflected on before. I started to see the times that I made myself smaller for him. The times that I didn't speak clearly about what I wanted because I knew it was different to what he wanted.
And my dreams.... My dreams have been telling so many things. I have dreamed that I was flying, which I think it represents my desire for freedom. I have dreamed that I was with him and also with other men. Which make me think if I really want to be with him or I am just seeking the love of a man?
I feel very confused. But for now I feel like time and space will show me the way.
Thank you for reading 馃挅
