Let's talk about the artist's angsty mind, struggle for identity, insatiable need to create, and how to stay sane.
What a mess.
Woooah I haven't been on here in more than ten days! What have I been doing?!
Well, I went and spent some time with the family in Kelowna, which was lovely. I brought my camera but didn't shoot much besides a couple updated shots of my beautiful goddaughter Pepper, and some headshot updates for her lovely mama as she prepares to update her Real Estate business.
She's early but she's already trying to walk! Her favourite thing is standing up and dancing. A performer!
I've been back home for a week. Most of my time in the last month has been spent experimenting with painting. It has been a long time since I've worked seriously with acrylic paints. Right now I'm really struggling with the desire to allow organic, random forms (doing a lot of pouring) to happen, and the desire to control them. It's really a recipe for frustration.
Blue is my favourite, incase you couldn't tell...
I love abstraction (and semi-abstraction) in art- especially on a larger scale. I like to see a piece on the wall and allow it to overcome me. How does it make me feel? How does it effect the mood of the room? What happens when it is removed? So many people are so concerned with being able to 'see' something in an abstract work. That's not necessarily what it's about. When someone walks up to an abstract piece and says, "Oh neat I see a tiger," I scream internally. I get it, not everyone gets art. Art is hard. Art is subjective. Most importantly, art is about the experience of the viewer. So, even if the tiger they see wasn't meant to be there, and it makes me crazy that that's what they fixate on when there's so much more to it than that, art is personal, and the tiger is how they are experiencing it.
So frustrating.
In any case, my struggle continues. Not just in how I struggle to control and not control the paint. Also in inspiration, motivation, and vision. I got super stoned last night and thought about how I have always been a terrible artist... not necessarily in skill, although that's never been great, but more in vision and followthrough. I can't remember a time as an artist in any medium, painting or photography or anything else that I've experimented with, that I've felt like I've developed a style, a voice, or a message. I KNOW in my bones that I want to create, but I have no idea WHAT I want to create. Perhaps I have never had the opportunity to develop my own artistic voice. I get frustrated and quit before I get any good or develop any skills. In art school and later in photography school, everything I created was to please the prof. Get the grade. Get through it, and get out. What fun is that? It's certainly no way to grow creatively. As a photographer, I still created to please others... modeling agency, clients, collaborators. I never found my voice and I think that's why I didn't fight to keep going when I got burnt out- photography wasn't giving anything back to me. So, I just quit.
Now here I am with no job, no business, no school, no nothin to worry about, thanks to my amazing amazing man 
You know how in movies and TV, the character who has a meltdown runs away and climbs to the top of a mountain in the Himalayas to consult with an old wise monk in order to "find themselves" again and find out what their life is really about? You know, like Gavin Belson! I feel like I need that kind of moment! 馃槀
But, I can't really do that, although our planned #vanlife advantures this summer can't come soon enough. For now, what do you think? Daily yoga (I need that anyway), meditation, sketching, nature walks? Social media blackout?
Do my fellow artists have any suggestions for achieving creative wellness, or are we all doomed to be the quintessential "tortured artist?" Cause I feel like that's bullshit. We should be able to live creative and happy.
If you've made it this far into this post, thank you for reading, and I would love to hear your thoughts. The struggle is real, my friends!
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Peace & Love!