When the weekend starts like that...

Truth is, I am sitting here in my apartment in Germany, my man is caring for his mum in a different city and I am frustrated, very sad and clueless.

I happen to live in the same house as my sisters boyfriend, who is sort of the landlord of mine. He rented the place 20 years ago, it is a 3 apartment house.

I lived there before and when I got back to Germany I moved back in, first for just a year and then things changed in life and I stayed longer than anticipated as time passed in a blink of an eye.

We got along well, so I thought. We know each other for 17 years and him and my sister are together for 16 years now.

But things started changing last year, with Corona.

Me and my other half came around quite a bit in life and therefor have an open mind and we are very sympathetic people with an interest of what happens around the world.

When Corona had a grip on Italy a year ago we saw the pictures of Bergamo.

The military convoy, driving away packed with dead people, dying of Covid19. We have friends in Italy.

We realized that this is serious and so we took it. When Germany went in its first lockdown we listened to the advice of scientists, always taking a look at the hard hit countries around us.

March 14th was my last day at work and till then we are in sort of a year long quarantine.

There was a time in the first lockdown where it was forbidden to meet more than 2 persons from different households, everything was closed but yet my "landlord" gave personal training at home. So while no one knew how bad it will get we had people coming and going at home. My other half and me got ridiculed for taking it serious and when I dared to mention that I don't find it ok I got threatened by my own sister to be kicked out of the house. In the midst of a pandemic.

Till that day things got weird.

I mean everyone can have its opinion on the whole Corona issue and how it is handled, fine, but we were told that whoever gets it and dies, bad luck. Asking if they wouldn't care if we would get it and pass to it and how the families of the ones who already had passed worldwide may feel, the answer was...bad luck then. It is family speaking here.

That was kinda a punch in the stomach. It made us sad, because it wasn't about the economy or stuff, it was about a hypothetical question, and we got told pretty much that they don't give a shit if we would get it and die.

From there on we just got out of each others way, which was fine.

Lately somehow things are going weird. We live right next to the woods, with a garden at the house which wasn't really used. Next to the parking area in front of the house is an unused part of lawn, just with all kinds of grass and weeds, randomly growing there. Nothing fancy or maintained but great for bees and insects.

Suddenly it is the worst that my dog steps on it, there is no fence and every dog passing by is using it or not. Of course Joy is sniffing there as well, it is in front of his home and he is responding to all kinds of smells. Being just a stumble from the woods there are martens, cats, dogs, foxes, even badgers stepping on that piece of land.

Today I got yelled at in the worst way because I missed that Joy set a paw on that lawn. It was ridiculous but yet so saddening. He build a first wall on a different piece of lawn next to the trash area. Not for the other dogs passing by, just for Joy so I was told. Still family speaking here.

The scorn is just hard to bare sometimes, for no reason. I always had dogs and not once was it an issue.

But the saddest and most devastating thing that I heard today out of his mouth was the question by him if I had made it finally all the way to the bottom by receiving social benefits because I lost my job. Apparently I'm the worst of society by doing so.

How bad can it get? There are so many people who lost their jobs and luckily we live in a country that can support these people. But being offended by him because I'm receiving it is just devastating. Because he is a family member.

So my weekend starts off pretty sad and with a lingering feeling of threat. If Joy would have destroyed something I would understand, but just to make a point, which wasn't a point for say 13 years that I totally lived there is not getting in my head.

I'm a tough person but the way I get treated by him and my sis, she is defending him no matter what, is getting to me. If I could I'd move, but it is not possible now. I feel like being at his mercy, he can kick me out if he wants. But the worst is the atmosphere. Not feeling welcome is sad, after so many years and for no reason.

Sorry for not being on the happy side here, but sometimes it is a relief just to get something of the chest.

So while typing my thoughts I hope our ways don't cross this weekend and I may spend it driving around in my car. Or just sitting at home trying to forget about it. We are still in lockdown here. Next week some things might change.