"I'm on the edge of glory" sang a famous person I mistakingly thought was a cleaning lady on a job of mine.
I rushed to her, almost about to kick her out when my partner told me who she was.
"I'm on the edge of glory", a song whose lyrics mirror my life, my partnership. Sure, some interpret it just on a very superficial level, but this artist is not superficial, nor are her lyrics.
For a very long time "glory" was part of my partners life, and it became part of mine. Not the glory itself, but the job behind it, the freedom, the team, the adventure.
It all resulted out of a decision I made.
But like Joy, I was walking towards an edge, seeing reflections.
I left the country I never felt home in, just to return back to it to make another person feel better. I returned for the wrong reason and got stuck ever since.
I feel torn because I gave up my freedom, but gained a partner in the end.
I gained experiences other people only dream of...but it is past now.
I live in a country with a strange mindset.
I never got along with the German mentality, even though I'm German myself. I always struggled to live in a society only thriving on performance.
Performance performance performance, leave your personality behind and just perform.
If you don't perform in the way it is expected, you are out. If you have different thoughts that do not correlate with old fashioned performing, you are out.
Don't ask questions, just perform.
And stay in the box you have been put in after school. Germans don't like giving up boxes.
You joined one and you are stuck with it the rest of your life. Germans are not flexible, we are outdated, oldschool...at least our government...and parts of society. We cling to the old ways, afraid of change, slow, bureaucratic.
If you are not performing anymore you are a threat to society. If you don't want to perform in the old way you are a threat to society.
But which society? The upper 1%?
Just like Joy, I keep walking towards the edge, seeing reflections.
"I'm on the edge of glory" is past. A time that will not come back, a dream shattered.
Where is my place in a country that I can barely get along with?
Where new chances are rare.
Where a new beginning is not supported, only when you can afford it.
Is it just me?
Am I the only problem, myself and my thoughts?
Do I just need to leave behind my personality?
Is my thinking the problem?
Should I just function?
"Working is nothing that should bring fun, you have to give up your thoughts about having a job that you like." is something a friend of mine told me not long ago.
It devastated me inside, it brought up my inner resistance again. My inner child was screaming NOOOOOOOOO. My whole body cringed.
It was the German thinking. My biggest fear and the reason why I can't get along with the German mindset.
I'm not against working, I have been working more and harder than anyone else saying sentences like that, just in the wrong German box. A box that is hard to get out in Germany.
What to do now?
Going over the edge, looking at reflections?
©bulldog-joy
