If violence is just force... is defending yourself using force?

If so, then force needs to be broken down into offensive and defensive.
And the two should not be lumped together.

But that is just defining the problem.

The solution, as you touched on, is that each person needs to find actual control in their lives.

We have almost no control in our current lives.
We may think we own a house, a car, a wife... but all of those really belong to the state.
Your life could be pulled out from under you by any man with a badge or by the ire of any called a "public servant"

So, we have to stay working at a shitty job, dealing with shitty shit, so that we can keep the facade of our life together.

The real solution is actual home-steads that are completely self sufficient.
A family business that makes something that can be traded, and enough green house to grow your own food year round.

The sad thing is that with latest automation the average person would spend about 10 hours per week maintaining their home-stead. 10 hours of you are truly as free as you want vs 40 - 60 hours of torture in a jail cell that keeps getting smaller.