Many people look at what is happening in Ukraine and Gaza and Iran as caused by war, and we should end the wars. "We need to work towards peace", they say. However all of this is because of thousands of years of childhood trauma.
In the west, men are not allowed the emotion of anger. And, so what happens to people who have anger, and no way to honestly show it and work it out of their system? Well, one thing that happens is their nation goes to war. Because, on the battlefield, you can show your anger.
And, if you have years of repressed anger, even previous lives of repressed anger, then it is really hard to get to peace.
We really need to comprehend childhood trauma and how to work through it. So that we can end this cycle of wars.
Imagine if your mother plays mind games with you. You are never allowed to win arguments. You are always the one in the wrong. No matter how well you behave, or how perfect you try to be. (this is what a family does to the "scape goat" child)
You are angry with your mother… but, you love your mother. You can't be angry with her, so you turn that anger against yourself, against all of the things your mother says is wrong with you. (even if, especially if they are just things that young boys do.)
Imagine growing up in this environment. Your mother did you dirty. Your mother destroyed your self worth. You mother has made you doubt your ability to see reality. And the child isn't allowed to get angry at her. And the society helps her out. Because they can't imagine a mother doing that to her child. The society covers for her. And believe her, because, where there is smoke, there must be fire.
And so, the "scape goat" is the one who is wrong, and takes on all of the shame of the family. And the dutiful "scape goat" continues to hate themselves.
Do you see how hate is built up, and cannot be expressed? Even in therapy, with a person who knows about BPD and the trauma they cause, may not be able to blame the mother. So, you get a good therapist, that knows about childhood trauma, especially about being the "scape goat", and it will often take years of therapy before the grown child can get to the point where they can openly express their anger towards their mother.
The bully and the bullied are cut from the same childhood abuse.
The difference is one goes to fight, the other to flight/fawn
They both need psychological help.
Both need help with anger. One is just repressed, and the other expressed poorly and to the wrong person.
So, why does our society condemn the bully, and say platitudes to the bullied? It's like there is a conspiracy to keep the system in place.
If there was a real group that wanted peace, this is where they should start.
And just counselling the child is not enough.
When the anger is appropriate, it must be allowed to be expressed. Instead of bullying society to shut down anger.
We should teach all the people how to negotiate. And negotiating for a win-win is the start of peace on earth.
When someone experiences anger, they need to find its roots, and quickly. Next is comprehending if this anger is against something outside, or inside. We all have traumas and mis-learnings that make us react with anger. The appropriate path from here is self healing.
When it is something outside, and the anger is appropriate, it needs to be settled.
What if you are witnessing a child being kidnapped. Anger is appropriate, and stopping the kidnapping if you can, is a good response.
What if you are witnessing and old guy, seemingly being beat up by a young guy?
What if the young guy has been abused all their life by this person, their father (uncle, step dad)?
What if the young guy tried negotiation, and failed. And then set a boundary. "I will not allow you to talk to me like that anymore". And now, since "the father" wouldn't/couldn't stop, the discussion has devolved to fisticuffs?
What if the young guy doesn't have the skills to negotiate, and his father used those infuriating prods on the son? So, the son, now big enough to fight back, is expressing his bottled up anger through fisticuffs?
What do you do in this situation? Today, we just stop the fighting and admonish the attacker, and often the defender. We rarely get to the bottom of the anger. We rarely punish the old-man for building this situation up for decades. And, often he hides behind words like "I did the best that i could", "You should thank me for bringing you up right" "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't still be alive"… None of these statements help the situation. They are just ways to disperse the blame.
So, the son expresses anger, and instead of getting a proper conversation, and people working for a win-win solution, he gets shut down, belittled, told he's wrong, and old-man gets to escape with platitudes.
And, now, this young man, with his repressed anger is all set to destroy the world that wouldn't help him. Hello war.
Of course i used boys as examples of anger, but women / girls are just as much to blame. In fact, they are often worse.
Women express anger covertly. They hide it, stuff it, think of ways to get back. Being the weaker sex, they usually avoid starting a physical fight, but neither do they resolve the anger. They will often escalate. Retaliation upping in each step. Until the two girls move apart.
So, women "look" like they are more peaceful, however, many times, they are just better at repressing their anger. And further, they use men as proxies (like the police) to do their violence.
Still, all of this comes back to childhood traumas and not be taught how to negotiate.
We here this lack of negotiation skills every day, in every sitcom:
"If you don't stop crying, i will give you a reason to cry"
"Do as you're told"
"You ungrateful child"
"You never loved me"
…
We have a long way to go, fortunately, it is actually quite easy to learn win-win negotiation.
And when we stop traumatizing children, we will be much less likely to involve ourselves in wars.
