The brain has been turning this week - it's created an intense desire to pull into my world of introspection and play out every decision I have made over the last 10 years, analyze why, ultimately leaving me feeling bad about myself, in this torturous drive toward perfection...
Fueled by a beautiful wedding, getting reconnected with my extended family, watching my incredible wife thrive with my kids loving life without a care in the world...
Logically, there are very few things deteriorating within me...yet the fade's grip remains...
(For context check out my first article on the fade) https://steemit.com/marriage/@breakthrough/the-long-game-of-why-destroying-the-fade
I have tried to hide it in the past, even this week, moving on as if things are normal - using the standard responses to people's inquiries -
"I'm doing great! How are you"
or
"I'm fine - looking forward to the day" etc...
Unfortunately, you cannot hide the fade...and ignoring it seems to just intensify the feeling...
Well, to be honest who really knows...I'm sure you could read books about this sort of thing, a few personalities are probably really organized and envisioned to create a gameplan and attack the day...some of us are kinda like 'whoa....this is overwhelming, lets go get a beer'...I fall more in camp #2 and will share my thoughts and would love to hear yours...
This week the revelation has been that my brain over analyzing and trying to imagine what I could have, should have, and would have done, if faced with the same circumstances. It is actually building a thriving selfishness as I drive for perfection. Ultimately, it's about me...and the fade only intensifies.
I mean I look at my wife and kids, they do not want, need or expect a perfect Austin...they are looking for a present Dad and Father who loves them. In many ways I am creating internal ambush's for myself with these unrealistic expectations of perfection...so that even in perceived success' I find the fade...there is always more I could have done. The result is a general lack of emotional presence as the carrot of perfection dangles out in front...
I am building, have been building and will continue to build a life that molds 4 world changers, be the greatest source of empowerment for my unbelievable wife, and inspire and lead anyone and everyone to greatness...
To do that I am going to show up today, and choose selflessness - choose to engage, manage my internal world and rejoice. When my internal voice of selfish condemnation shows up, I will slay that dragon and inform my soul that I am living for something bigger...When I fail, I will repent and show up the next day...and the day after that...
My why is getting fueled by a dream of building a legacy of 5 generations of world changers. Legitimate History Makers that are building a world worth living in. Where you come into the presence of my lineage and you experience peace, hope, purpose and courage. This weekend the word legacy was mentioned and my heart has leapt at the prospect. Not to rely on government or other social institutions to bring about change, but to build out of my family an example of love that empowers people to write History....
Heres the lineage from my parents - which have done phenomenal in raising us -
The next 5 generations will only stand on the shoulders of these....
cheers to changing the world...
Destroy your fade today - get a why thats bigger then yourself, that goes beyond selfishness, and is built for the generations to come. You matter - engage
