Marriage is crazy. It's arguably one of the longest human institutions known. It goes back as far as recorded History, and holds a level of respect in nearly every culture throughout the world. Based on our societies perceived skills at marriage, you could make the argument that we are 'quote' evolving away from marriage. In my 300 level marriage in society class in college we listened to a psychologist share why we are moving away from a monogamous society. Most of us know marriage can be incredibly challenging, is generally perceived as a 'prison', and can feel incredibly restricting. I however think the idea that we are evolving away from marriage is ridiculous. I recently read a quote from Donald Rumsfield -
There are plenty of unknown's in marriage. I have found it to be a beautiful process of discovery that I have loved doing with my wife. Unfortunately our skills in society seem to be waning.
When you break that down by number of marriages:
41 percent of first marriages end in divorce.
60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
73 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
This graph looks at the age groups of those getting divorced:
Now assuming that the goal is to stay married that means at best our culture's hope for success in marriage is around 59% - and this does not take into account miserable marriages. A miserable marriage being a marriage where two people stay married but have choosen to build emotional and physical walls toward each other to cope.
With these crazy stats I do not claim to be an expert, rather a learner, and I do hope to continue to learn for the sake of my marriage, I got into this with no intention of screwing over my life. I want to talk about one aspect of my marriage thats helped my wife and I have a powerful relationship - having a purpose in our marriage.
I believe marriages are powerful when they have something driving them
There are clear benefits to self in marriage. You have a companion, someone to share your ups and downs with, greater resources, kids. Different benefits obviously appeal to different people, but there are benefits to self. However, I think the biggest thing that kills marriages are marriages that are built on satisfying self.
I have heard so many bro's tell me, she just doesn't make me happy anymore. Or it's just not that exciting anymore. Take sex for example. When young people get married they are generally in great shape and have lots of sex. When I got married I had an older guy challenge me to put a penny in a jar for everytime we had sex in the first year of marriage. Then commit to my wife to empty the jar over the rest of our lives by taking a penny out every time we had sex. My wife and I have found that at times it can be harder to have sex when life responsibilities are happening. We are also into our 30's and maintaining a body thats appealing to my wife is harder. What happens when we get into our 40's or 50's. There will always be a younger more exciting sexual encounter out there somewhere. But does that really satisfy? When people tell me their spouse doesn't make them happy any more what are they really saying? That marriage is really built around themselves.
You see it with money as well. People will engage in marriage's because of their spouse's money or job. What happens if their spouse gets fired, or the money dries up? Generally the marriage will fall apart.
Does Anything in Life Really Thrive When Self is the Motivation?
Things may work, but do they really thrive? In my experience I do not think so. The very definition of love is to lay down your life for another. To choose to put the needs, desires, and dreams of another in front of your own. While this can be incredibly painful at times, I also think its the gateway to truly thrive in marriage. Do I have the capacity to legitimately see my wife, serve her and empower her greatest dreams? Even if they come at the cost of my own? Regardless of if she returns the favor?
Most romantics would ride off into the sunset if that was really their reality...you could write out the story with they lived happily ever after...awwww....
But really?
I think to have a powerful marriage you not only have to have a baseline of love but you also need a purpose to live for thats bigger then yourselves. For many marriages, their kids will fill that gap after the initial excitement of marriage wears off in the first few years. According to professorhouse.com around 30% of marriages that last 25+ years end in divorce. This is wild in light of the work and effort it took to build and maintain a relationship for that long. And not to say that kids are not a purpose worth living for, it just fades when kids leave the house.
Whats the Purpose of Your Marriage?
What is the driving force in your marriage? If you are not married, and aspiring to marriage ask the question why?
My wife and I were introduced in our first year of marriage to a mission statement worksheet for married couples. This was new for both of us. We had done these things individually and in our vocational lives but never thought of the idea of doing it together. As we worked through it, there was dialogue about our personal dreams, desires, hopes and gave us some language for what we were doing. It came out as :
Our Family Loves Radically, Lives Supernaturally, and Transforms Society
This came about from our desire to love people in a way that impacts them for eternity, to have a dependency on a higher power and to have a positive impact on our immediate community (neighborhood, schools, city).
As we have navigated life, vocational shifts, having kids, money etc - we have found that this statement has guided our dialogue and ability to make decisions with confidence. It has also been our most inconvenient reminder every time we have started to drift toward apathy or averageness, but also the most empowering part of our marriage when we disagree or want to tend toward selfishness.
Our marriage has become continually powerful because our purpose has become increasingly clear.
Like anything a powerful marriage requires work, intentionality and a choice. I am only 10 years into this and would like to think my wife and I are failing forward learning as we go. If you have any thoughts on this I would love to hear about them either in the comments or use the tag #powerfulmarriage. If you are in a marriage that may not have purpose or is not really what you thought it would be - check out a few of the links below and come up with a mission statement with your spouse. It's been amazing for me!
As always thanks for reading and following along - Live Big Today and Dominate Life
http://www.smzbt.org/documents/Ministry-to-Marriage-Mission-Statement.pdf
http://www.doingfamilyright.com/developing-a-marriage-mission-statement/
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/392728029979752515/