We fell on some hard times this year, as I'm sure many other people have as well. Because of this, we have had to move into his mother's apartment until we have the sufficient funds for a place of our own, and while I was originally extremely grateful for this opportunity, our living situation has quickly turned sour...
Currently we have a traditional relationship: my boyfriend works, while I take care of our home and two babies. My boyfriend's work is quite untraditional however, for he explores abandoned buildings then uploads his finds on YouTube. Much of his work consists of a few days of traveling during the week, then a bunch of editing on the computer at home. His income is lower than minimum wage, and we cannot get by on it alone.
My work as a housewife consists of a variety of tasks throughout the day, but first and foremost is ensuring our children are always attended to. This is a 24/7 job that requires constant awareness--I am always alert! 馃槄 This alone can be extremely exhausting and overwhelming after days on end! After the children comes everything else, which includes: all the cooking, all the cleaning, dishes and floors several times throughout the day, laundry, breastfeeding newborn, and everything else I may have missed! 馃槄
(His mother was helpful in the beginning and pulled her own weight!.. However, after I took on the role of homemaker, she began to take advantage of my generosity. After months of cooking her meals and cleaning her dishes, I eventually stopped, and she has since stopped doing anything--ever.. She will eventually become her own post, don't worry! 馃槀)
Despite everything I take on, I am still actively working on my flaws. For example, sometimes I am not always in a positive mood after being on alert with two babies all day, but my boyfriend believes I should be! 馃様 Or sometimes I need to catch up on an extra hour or two of sleep while my boyfriend cares for our babies, some thing that he is not always enthusiastic about! 馃槄 In exchange for working on my flaws, I have asked that my boyfriend work on his: put his dirty socks in the laundry basket instead of the floor! 馃槉
Well, today I made a mistake by calling that flaw to light! A pair of socks on the floor, which I playfully growled to in response: "Ugggh daddy's socks! 馃槫" and tossed them towards the basket. For some reason, it escalated into an all day argument, escalated into "I never feel appreciated for everything that I do! 馃槫馃槫" Now, I understand we are in a situation that neither of us cares to be in: living with his miserable mother. But I cannot help but feel like every mother ever when I say I truly feel like anything I do is never enough.
My boyfriend is not held down by the traditional 9-5 job; he gets to make his own schedule and work on his own terms. He does not work every day, and when he does work, it is anywhere from 4-8 hours during the day. I do not get that privilege; again, I don't get to turn off a 24/7 job of caring for two babies.
My boyfriend edits his videos on the computer, and he gets to do so with minimal interruptions as I am still expected to watch the children while he does it. Although I cannot work outside the home, I try to actively work online, all while watching the babies. I do not get interruption-free periods--ever.
My boyfriend gets to work outside, away from our home and all the chaos that ensues within it. I have not had a moment of peace, a moment all to myself, since our first baby was born almost 2 years ago.
My boyfriend gets to enjoy a clean house and hearty meals that he never has to deal with; I have cooked every meal, cleaned every mess, for nearly the entire year we have lived here.
My boyfriend gets to catch up on sleep for several hours if he happened to stay up all night editing, or sometimes, God bless him, he "just can't sleep." I sometimes get 1-3 hours and he expects a "thank you."
Despite all that I do, God fucking forbid I snarl when I see a pair of his triggering socks on the floor that I've been asking him to pick up for a YEAR. God fucking forbid I am not in the best mood when he does come home, despite being active with two screaming energetic babies. God fucking forbid I be depressed and suicidal when all of these things stack up! 馃檪 Why can't I just be happy?! 馃檪 Why can't I just be grateful for everything that we have?!? 馃檭馃檪
I do love my boyfriend. Of course I want nothing more than to make things work. But I am officially at a loss of words (which, ironically enough, suits the silent treatment I am giving! 馃槀). I simply do not know what to do anymore.
There is a saying that I live by: "You could be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the world!... And there will still be someone who hates peaches..." Enough just isn't enough...
