Prompt :
You meet an alien and he asks you to explain the following three human things because he is confused about them. In a post of at least 300 words, explain each one as you would to the alien. Use photos you personally took where possible.
Farting
Masturbation
Greed
I do not normally use the prompts in my Weekender posts but I shall use them for this one for fear that my regular followers think I am losing the plot altogether. Unfortunately I do not possess any photos I took myself as they would be worth a good couple of 100 million if I was indeed chatting to a real alien.
Anyway you will never believe what happened to me the other day. And no I am not on drugs. I met a real life alien inside in an Irish pub. He was a little green fella with a massive nut and big long prody fingers. We all had a few drinks at this stage so a little green man with a big head didn't stand out in a pub full of Irish men. Irish people come in all shapes and colours. There was Dan who had a purple nose from the whiskey and Timmy was yellow from the liver failure and old man Charles was grey because he didn't have long left so nobody batted an eyelid at a little green alien walking around the place. I soon got into a conversation with my new little friend.
Just as we were about to chat a strange noise sounded which was the equivalent to a noise in movies of a pirate gliding down a sail with a sword. That familiar sound when pirates took over a sailing ship. Like a ripping of cloth sound. It was one of Johnny's classic farts that echoed around the pub. People from all round the pub would say "Good Arse Johnny" as a salutation of his great gasy exploits. It would also give people a chance to pull away from the epicentre as the smell was always atrocious. Ever since the ban on smoking in bars, the smell of fart has taken its place. Many think the inhalation of the smoke was healthier.
"What was that noise?" asked the alien.
"Ah that was just Johnny ripping one off" I replied.
"It is called a fart, us humans, especially the male of the species are always making them."
"Especially if we eat eggs, beans or onions."
"The ladies do it too but they are sly about it, make little ones and hide them well."
"So where does this noise come from?"
"Oh it is basically wind coming out of our rectum that vibrate our ass checks that cause sound."
"Air from your ass checks? Got it. You humans have a waste disposal system beside your reproductive system. Strange"
"And what is that strange pungent odour??"
"Oh that is the smell from the gas that was expelled."
"Everyone is laughing... why is that??"
"Because Johnny is clearing the room with his fart and it is funny."
"After a while though it's not funny and we tell him to use the toilet"
"Rectum gases that flow from a persons insides to my alien nose. Interesting concept. I don't know why you humans laugh about inhaling gases from another humans ass?? Strange."
"My alien eyes are watering which is quite serious to our species as they are so big."
"It is the equivalent of getting your human arm amputated."
"I do not take kindly to this eye watering smell."
"That human's life expectancy must be low."
"Ah Johnny has been leaving off bombs for years. No fear of him."
"If he does it again I may have to give him a probing."
"Rather you than me there mate. God knows what will end up on those probing fingers of yours."
Ah look who is coming in! A hen party. get ready lads.
Mr Alien. Don't tell any of these ladies that you are an alien. These ladies are on a hen party which means one of them is getting married. They go wild for one last night before they are married and there are 20 lovely ladies descending on us as we speak. They will rip you apart if you reveal who you are and you will more than likely get the ride. Don't ask me why but many women like men because they are different and you look bloody different. We don't want a District 9 scenario on our hands in 9 months where we have a hybrid born.
"What are these humans drinking out of straws that look like the male reproductive gland?"
"Oh they are just willy straws."
"And what is that big purple gland that is being waved around which is vibrating?"
"Oh that's a rampant rabbit. Women use it to masturbate."
"Masturbate?"
"Relief themselves sexually."
"Men do it as well but this is called wanking."
"Why do you call it wanking?"
"In Victorian times we used to call our penis's whangs."
"I see."
"You humans are very complicated creatures."
[SOUND OF PIRATES SWORD RIPPING DOWN A SAIL AGAIN]
JOHNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY NOT AGAIN.
"What is happening?"
"Johnny farted again!"
"Oh no this is not good at all for my alien senses."
"You and me both buddy"
"What is that brown wet patch oh his trousers?"
OH NO JOHNNY, YOU FOLLOWED THROUGH YOU DIRTY BASTARD!!!
"What happened" asked the alien.
"What are people vomiting?"
Johnny got greedy my alien friend.
What is greed?
"Having an excessive desire for power, in this case farting power"
" He shat himself so that has backfired on him."
"What does shat mean?"
"Well he hoped for air to come out his rectum, he forced it and excrement came out by mistake which ruined his clothes"
"Oh how embarrasssing."
"Yes it happened me once"
"I ran into a clothes shop to buy a change of pants."
I rushed up to the shop counter while avoiding people.
Grabbed the paper bag off the staff member.
Got on the train home.
Took off my pants in the trains toilet.
Took my underwear aoff and stuffed both of them out the train window to get rid of the evidence,
Opened the bag from the shop with the new pants.
Woolly jumper inside.
Holy Jupiter's moon.
what did you do?
I shouted
Hold on where are you going???
Where are you going?
"I'm too want to be beamed up. Initiate ET Phone Home. You humans are still animals"
"We will be back when the A1 robots take over which shan't be long as AI is now open source."
"At least the robots won't fart."
