Automated or manual: Would you rather...
Hi my name is Blanchy and I am from the Emerald Isle. One of Irelands biggest problems is that we are very fond of alcohol so we all end up in the pub at the weekends. Come 1am at the earliest there is a free for all and a sort of "Rat Race " scramble for a taxi to whisk us away to our bed.
My home town has a population of around 30,000 and we have around 10 taxis. Noely cabs, Speedy cabs, Jimmy the ex Guard, Good looking Mikey who is willing to trade services if people have no cash but he doesn't collect that many men.Hmmmm. John the Head, Larry and his Lada and a few more. So 30,000 into 10 doesn't go and we have no Uber yet so it is a big problem here. Such is the problem that every farmer used to drink drive until the road deaths were so bad that the government had to step in and ban any sort of dribk driving. As a result the pub trade has died and we have all become a healthier, active and less alcoholic nation as a result.
Since then Ireland has changed so much and many of our pubs are closed now. So when we hear about this guy called Elon Musk inventing a self driving automated car, our ears were pricked. The country set about making the National Broadband Plan so that everywhere in the country has 5G. This was said to be to help tech companies but it is really to get automated cars up and running here. Elon Musk said in a recent interview that the need for car parks will be no more because your car can go back home after they drop you off rather than parking somewhere close by. Isn't that wonderful. So lets just call my new automated car Leccy. Leccy could drop me off at the pub for the match at 8pm. She could come back in for me and drop me down the town then at 10.30pm. I will have a couple of hangers on with me wanting a lift as well but not a problem. Then at 1am when the barman kicks us out of the pub, I will press the red button on the car keys and by the time we stumble out of the pub into the cold winter air Leccy will be there like Kit from Knightrider waiting to save her master from the sharp western winds that cut through you like butter. Leccy would use it's 5G technology to weave its way through the other drunken revellers who are making their way to a chipper for some sustenance. "Why aren't we going to the chipper," asks Fun Bobby, a friend of mine who always bums a lift. Oh but we are. I tell Leccy to steer us in the direction of the nearest drive through and within seconds of ordering we have our food rather than wait with the riff raff back down the town. I tell Leccy where the house party is and it drops us off for more madness. I ask it to wait like an obedient dog around the corner. As soon as we hit the house party I realise I'm too old for this shit so I press the red button, sneak in a crab light fashion out the door. I press the red button again to call leccy. A friend peeps out the window and becomes aware of my pending flight. He shouts to the others that I am trying to escape and they run to stop me. I put Leccy into driveby mode which I programmed in case of these circumstances. This happens quite alot in Ireland , trying to rescue a friend who has made of their mind they want to go home. It was me this time. Leccy sped around the corner while her back windows started opening. We had practiced this at home. Jump as some as her indicator flashes.
[FLASHES] I hurl myself at the car head first and end up as planned in the back seat. Home Leccy GO GO GO. That was a close one. We took off leaving a baying rescue mob in our wake. You are the best thing that ever happened to me Leccy. The best thing. We pull into our drive way and I plug her in. Good Leccy. What did I ever do without you eh! Get some rest Leccy. You have two kids parties , bringing the wife shopping and you have to drop granny to the hospital for her knee replacement tomorrow. And NO Leccy , don't give me that look. I am not coming with you. I will be too hungover. Back in the day I had to do all these things. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Good Leccy.
