My parents were quite liberal. As I became older I realised they actually trusted us more than I give them credit for and let us do things on our own. One of those things was going to a concert alone. There is a lovely event in Moslavina, my birthplace, called ''Voloderske Jeseni'', a celebration of vine and fall, and there is always a concert following the event. I was about 8 maybe 9 when my dad brought me there and left me to listen to the whole concert by myself. It was by one of the greatest Croatian bands of all times Pips, Chips and Videoclips. It may have seemed like no biggy to my dad at the time but for me, it was a thing that stuck with me throughout my life. The meaning of the memory and lessons learnt from it changed throughout the years but that feeling of importance, freedom and responsibility made an impact.
Fast forward 20 years and I came across pictures of my friend and her daughter on a Shawn Mendes concert in Viena. The kid was I think 7 or 8 at the time. And I was feeling this thing I felt on that PC&VC concert. That must have been such a big thing for that kid. Like it was for me. Her mom obviously went with her but the whole experience of travelling from Croatia to Austria, visiting Viena, going to the concert. I wanted to be that kid. And then I remembered I was like 30 and have kids so then I wanted to be THAT mom. The one who creates memories and experiences. The one who doesn't play safe and doesn't make them fit a box. The concert-going mom. The Yes mom. Not the regular mom. The cool mom.
I often think about what kind of mom I aspire to be but fail to determine my goals. I do know what I don't want to be though and seem to do just that. But since I am back on the train away from the ''dark side'' of my mind I can elaborate on why that is.
I have this theory that our parents give us tools. All kinds of tools for coping and managing our lives, our emotions, our relationships. Those tools can vary, can be all good, all bad but are mostly both. They could give us excellent work ethic but poor relationship skills or they could give us love for good music and books but leave us with awkward social skills. I do not think parents are the only ones responsible for a child's behaviour, there are the factors of genetics and the general environment but some key tools like coping with shit, independence and patience can be learned and cultivated in the home.
When you become a parent your self you tend to yank out that toolbox of yours and start digging deep! I think it probably doesn't matter if you planned or wanted the kid but those few first moths drain your body and soul and you tend to grab your go-to tools most often. But the good thing is you learn with new challenges life throws your way what tools you are missing. Maybe it's patience, maybe it's calm maybe itself restraint. And you can start to work on it, create your new go-to tools. And use them as often as you can.
So...to connect my blabbering dots lets use an example. I was beaten as a kid. I do not think kids should be beaten (or spanked or physically harmed and punished in any way) And when my battery is low and my kids start to push on all of my buttons my first instinct is to strike them. It is a horrible instinct. And it's scary. I never hit my kids because I think it's a good thing to do, or teachable, or acceptable or it will get me anywhere long term, what is the ultimate goal, right? But I do hit them occasionally when I am broken. When I am tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, scared or angry. When I am at my worst I reach for the tools I was built with.
It's a hard thing to go through, being the one thing you swore you wouldn't be. It sucks when you fail at parenting. You aren't just failing your kids then. You are failing your self. And if you're a judgy bitch like I am that's a whole lot of disappointment to deal with.
As we know by now after every rain comes the sun and sometimes even a rainbow. The realisation that I can build my own boxes and that I should invest in my tools and in my abilities to find better ones when I'm my worst self and not just grab whatever comes to hand was a life-changing discovery for me. And how not to beat myself up when I fail, and that tends to happen more often than not lately, is something I'll hopefully learn on the way. It is always useful to step aside from your self and examen your negative behaviour patterns that make you uncounterable and just change. There is really no need to be someone you don't wish to be. Especially when you have someone depending on you to do better. Especially when you know you can do better.
So I decided I could actually start focusing on making plans and goals towards being the mom I'd like to be. Starting with the concert. I think I'll make it one of my mid-year #nyr to take my kids to at least one ''adult'' concert. Luckily we have a great beach bar near us with loads of summer jams so we could walk down to some low profile bad and dance.
What are your go to tools you are not proud of? Do you have some cool upgrades to your toolbox you'd like to share? Do tell it all in the comments! Ruler by 
