No, no, no. It is definitely not that I think I got it worse than anybody else experiencing hardship at this moment. The point I am making is that of being limited by ways of a different "neuro-logical" wiring in my responses to hardship, that could likely be remedied with ease without this condition. At that, I share the same limitations as all those enduring various degrees of what goes as "ASD", "Autism Spectrum Disorder". There are of course support groups, but in my case they are out of reach. Where I am - and where I was born - Autism is still not considered a hindrance in individuals that come along without the symptoms for which autistic children are known. Having worked with autistic children during extensive times and having spent time with them and their parents, the distinctions among the "Spectrum" are fluid - not every autistic child is running around screaming and obviously not being present in this reality, if You allow to call it that. "World" might actually be a better word to describe the situation. Since autistic children and adults with this degree of variance share the same reality - but remain in a world that is not accessible to those without such conditions.
Parents of autistic children know what that means. During my latest encounter of a mother with her autistic child at the psychiatric section of the local hospital, I was shocked about the reactions of other visitors that came to get their drugs and prescriptions for those. There was one young woman that screamed at the autistic child to "shut up". Thankfully I had made eye contact with the mother at this moment and it was non-verbal understanding that I sent her way. She might not have needed it - since this kind of reaction is obviously not uncommon, considering the reaction of the other people present. Their looks said more than words ever could.
As I have repeatedly written about my own experiences in this country - forgive me for not telling You which one it is, since that might lead to more unwanted repercussions - I made the connection, that this kind of sentiment towards people with mental disorders is the norm. While those - displaying a degree of not being of "this" world - are likely not aware of the rejection their condition garners, it is people like me, who do not display such a variance in behavior. You won't know what plagues me by looking at me. Provided my attire and appearance are in "order" - which they are oftentimes not entirely, since I am destitute and cannot afford to buy nice replacements for my equally as myself aging clothes. I received some donations, but they are visibly worn and not neat, but of lesser wear and tear. What plagues me and many other souls lies beneath the surface. Not revealed by body language, either. It is a condition that dwells in the depth of the mind and is generally not detectable - until an occasion arises to make it surface. This piece deals with such "occasions", to clarify why I am experiencing a degree of hardship that might not be present for people without my condition, or to a lesser degree for those with a still milder form of it.
It may have come to Your attention as well, that Canada is about to widen the breadth of conditions that qualify for "Assisted Death". While the conditions - both physical and mental - that were sufficient to apply for assisted death up to now are argued by opponents of assisted death to be insufficient for the most part, a new qualifier has emerged. In an article on "Manova" (German Online Magazine) titled "Euthanasia or Endless Suffering" (in German) the author explores the widening of the qualification for assisted death to include "poor people". At the present moment, that would include me. Stranded in a place without any support - with the exception of small donations by friends back in the U.S. - destitute, because this place is definitely what Krishnamurti termed a "profoundly sick society" with all the consequences thereof. Against my will since whopping 55 month. An attempt to leave this place in 2020 failed due to "denied boarding" based on erroneous paperwork for my support animals and an ensuing "pandemic". One of the most disturbing and chronic features here is, that You won't get paid for Your work - if You are not a resident, or native of this stretch. But even then - the abuse and exploitation among the locals here has no equal in all the countries I have visited, or lived before. The bureaucracy here is "bureaucrazy" and corruption is the order of the day. "Why in hell did You go there?" You could rightfully ask. The answer is as simple as explanatory in my case. I was invited to stay here to recover from loss and hardship up to 2018 - that in hindsight appear now like nothing. Like the nuisance of a mosquito in the bedroom in the night. The explanation for the "why" and subsequent experienced suffering and pain is based on the absence of certain filters, people without ASD have. Anybody without missing, or reversed filters will most likely be able to figure out that the person that promises whatever it is - as insincere. Or making promises that can actually not be fulfilled. In this category falls working for someone that intends not to pay You. It is also the most detrimental aspect, since You won't be able to sustain Yourself without support. "Don't You have any family?" You might ask at this point. Actually, and for all sad reason - I don't anymore. My father died after injection from a broken heart due to my inability to leave this place here and my mother's dementia took off like a rocket after my father's death. She is in a closed care facility now. My parents have supported me until they departed in their own ways. There are other relatives, but those believe that my ASD is just an excuse for being a "loser", a "failure" - the "black sheep" of the clan. In other words, what is left of a formerly lovely family, is the bottom sediment of what was always wrong with it. These people are wealthy and my suffering and hardship matters not to them. You may know of such constellation in Your own, or the family of friends. Especially during the pandemic, many had to endure the truth coming out about those whom they were close to.
In summary, without any significant income of any kind, being destitute with no obvious recourse, one slides into poverty. Whereas "poverty" is actually not a natural state of being, it is the result of a profoundly sick society - wherever it may be. For filthy rich people to exist - poor masses are required. Or the consequence thereof. Especially in the western hemisphere, there is a profound lack of solidarity with those who have gotten under the wheels of predatory capitalism, that prioritizes "return of investment" over social services, or, as Krishnamurti also mentioned, "a good society". Philosophying about the reasons and possible remedies for this global problem seems moot, when You are starving, freezing and left with no hope of change - other than to the worse. Those affected to the least by these circumstances often muse about the benefits of suffering and pain, hardship and misery. You know who these people are. Now they are joined by a number of "ethics specialists" that see a valuable solution to the problem of poverty - by putting the poor down like a sick animal. The article also states, that it should be the poor that remove themselves from the living due to being a drag, a nuisance and a shame to the non-poor. Clear up the streets from the homeless - euthanasia is the solution. That's where this is going. Remove the symptoms - not the causes for those.
Well, today I would take whatever makes a painless departure possible. And while I despise the concerted attempts to reduce poverty via euthanasia, I am looking to get out of this painful misery. It is disturbing to think about the solution being as simple as providing those in need with the resources they require to get out of their misery. Oftentimes that is practically nothing compared to what the rich require in order to be "okay". When a pair of shoes equals the yearly income of low wage earners.
Oh, just to throw that in: my country of birth has billions of euros to prolong an illegal war - but a national in need does not qualify for a passport renewal free of charge. For someone with ASD.
Last but not least, if You can help, please let me know. My passport renewal that is required to leave this place (a friend will cover the air fare) and the costs accompanying it, like getting to the embassy are beyond what I have right now. The appointment is on the 3rd of August. The next one only in October.
The picture above is of the room I was generously offered to stay in for some weeks. It just needed cleaning out and removing the soot from a fire a few years ago. That's what I have been doing over the last weeks to avoid homelessness.
Thank You and take care.
