you never think it will happen, it's such a remote impossibility that not even the seed of such a thought would ever germinate in your mind, it's not even a requirement to be that the person was someone you loved or not, the pure shock of hearing they have died hits you as effectively as any brick wall placed in the path of a speeding car without brakes
the pain is immediate but you cannot really process it yet as the shock still reels around your poor brain unable to process anything other than; they cant be, its just not right they cant be dead
the ego kicks in with but I had so much left I wanted to say to them, so much I still wanted to experience with them,
logic will try to show its face ...they were so young, they have kids, they are such a good person
why do we think that being good or bad somehow affects the timing of death? yet somehow its right up there with the the idea this person was precious to you
and they are gone
and there's nothing you can do
in my case I felt bad not just because of all these things but it was a huge catalyst moment
(referencing back to my introduce post we are touching on the menopause bit -1- why do I call it the magic menopause? because I was 49 when my friend died, on my birthday of that year I hit fifty , the menopause, and a transformation that led to my new life so yup it was magic and it was a menopause, however not all magic is recognised at the time and it can painful, for any true transformation there has to be pain)
as I had demanded the how, why, what happened I was coldly informed she had cancer it, hadn't took long
you see it brought home to me one huge fact glaring at me challenging me it showed me somehow my whole life what it had become in one horrible brain smashing shock
you see in amongst all the crap of every day life even though this persons nasty snarls were designed and in fact always successful at making me do whatever was needed immediately, nothing was functioning, all I could think was, but I didn't even know she was poorly
obviously at this point in time as I was hurried into the car and back to the life I hated I had no idea it was the catalyst to the beginning of the rest of my life, I certainly had no idea it was the end of the truly awful life I was living
I cannot explain to you right here and now why it took this moment to propel me forward into my eventual liberation, I can only tell you I was left with that one thought, I hadn't even known she was poorly, I cannot tell you it was that moment I gained the courage to escape the abusive situation I was suffering, at this point I was only really aware of one thing, if I had been myself, the person I was over twenty years ago before I would have not only known she was poorly I would have been right there helping, being with her, doing whatever I could, I remember making one decision, I wanted to be myself again the real me, the one that had a soul,
I cannot tell you I then immediately started working on my life, I didn't , I didn't know how to, I had nothing, and no one I could ask or talk to, I knew that everything thing I did thought, wore, said, everything was all down to the person who had full and complete control of my life, this person was very much a control freak, and a psychopath
I knew I had to somehow leave and it was very difficult, thought at the time it was impossible, I wont go into why or what happened to me, this is not a blog about recounting my experiences, what I will tell you is, please please if you know you are suffering in a relationship, and please know I understand just how difficult it is to tell anyone, or to ask for help, and that is why I am writing this , I will tell you now yes it will be hard, I had nothing , no money, no way of getting a home for me and my children no way of making us safe, in the end It wasn't courage I felt, it was desperation; I had to protect my kids, however in order to be of any real help I will say this;
first get a diary write every incident down, even if like me you were constantly writing still write it, date it, you may need it in the future, keep it, talk to someone anyone even if its a friend a relative but if you can't for any reason then please consider approaching the following organisations;
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
if you just feel all you can do is talk to someone neutral then please look into some of these groups on facebook
https://www.facebook.com/Domestic-abuse-216138881737758/
https://www.facebook.com/Domestic-Abuse-206042422773902/
if like me you not in a position to do that then please look into these areas;
gaslighting, emotional and psychological abuse,narcissistic disorder, psychopathic disorder, I found an immense amount of help and answers watching the wonderful Richard Grannon, he is brilliant, please try watching some of his videos on youtube, that was all I did for a while, stayed in, looked after my kids and watched just about every single video he had on youtube
. I felt that for the first time here was someone explaining to me in a way I could understand, it was through watching his videos I not only learned to see how I was suffering I learned why and the why is important, gaslighting is very insidious and it can be a frightening and dangerous prison to be locked into by another, if you do not see you are being gaslighted then you do not know, and it can be so very difficult to prove, if you are going through such a situation trust your instinct and watch richard grannon, for me it was the only time I was given true answers a real help in recognising exactly what was happening and a beginning to how I could be vigilant in the future, please stick with it, some of the stuff is painful to learn, the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off, for me I knew I was an intelligent woman yet no one can say to you just how insidious gaslighting and other behaviours are, and also in my case this person was a psychopath and again I urge to look clearly and with no judgement into the psychology of psychopaths, this person was so charming, especially to everyone else I had a very difficult time getting anyone to believe me and what I was suffering,
if you suffer in silence, if you suffer at all within a relationship, there all types of relationship that can descend into this malicious situation of abuse, he also talks about parent/child and work relationships so others may find those areas useful too, please listen to him he is very good and uses plain speaking which I appreciate
here is short video by him
though I preferred to go and subscribe as he has a lot of very good videos , I suffered a lot with CPTSD which means that I had suffered more than one abusive relationship so the c stands for complex, and this was how I found Richard his videos on PTSD and other subjects are brilliant, this is Richards channel on youtube,
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9xNc-P8GWAdafmAcNVi6g
with much respect and many thanks to Richard Grannon, you helped me much more than I can thank you for adequately
I send out positive pure frequencies of love and peace to all that exists
I am Velveteen
I wish you all much respect and I hope you have a fab day
all artwork original and copyrighted by zuzy1010 2018
all other graphics and logo Velveteen 2018
ref -1-https://steemit.com/introduce/@beckieg/hiya-or-the-birth-of-the-blog-of-velveteen-or-the-introductory-writings-of-i