In the past, I am someone who would be so consistent with countdowns of birthdays of people I care so much about. Making a mistake about wishing them when it is almost or the D-Day is not in my dictionary cos the reminders and pre-greetings I make keeps me posted about who and who I'm celebrating on a particular day on its own. I'm such a a sweet girl right?
Later on, the unknown happened. I was supposed to celebrate the birthday of someone so precious to me. A 60th birthday at that and all preparations had been ongoing with post and pictures swimming around and anyone seeing how constant those were happening would actually make you think its one great or huge celebration we wanted to have but then it was still huge to us so every little plan was going accordingly.
But then, the unfortunate incident happened and just few days to the birthday celebration, with no signs or form of sickness, she died. Like she left with no clue or waiting moment to say goodbye.
Is this really how people die? Hell NO!
It all came like a dream and I was expecting someone to just wake me up through any form or means even if I have to suffer for the means but I just want to wake up from that bad dream cos the only thing I want to do is wish her happy birthday and say it to her again how much I love her not the other way round of weeping that I just lost her.
No matter what I try, it was still a reality that a rare gem was gone and after the whole process of burial and all that, I find it hard to sleep and all I wanted to do was to stay awake or better still sleep and probably not wake up the next day just like she did but gradually I passed that part and I thought that was the trauma I had and I have conquered until the main trauma showed up.
Whoever it is, either close or distant whose birthday is coming up, the fear comes hitting me hard like the person was also gonna die if I post them "in addy, countdown, few days to go" like I would always do before.
The feelings was so much that I get to pray hard within me just so that this odd feeling could go away but then I feel like God would do his part and I as a human will do mine cos I still felt the same feelings another time any other person was about to have their birthdays especially when it's a close person to me. Until the day of his or her birthday, I won't really have a peace of mind like something bad might happen to them also because they posted for their pre-birthdays.
It was really a hard one for me cos in the long run, people start to see me in a different way like I no longer care about them unlike before that I'll keep hyping their days up and down.
But then I am the one who really knows what I was fighting with and even in my innocent mind and imaginary world of PTSD, I would think I'm even doing them a favour of making them live because I didn't post them like I posted the person I cherish who lost her life at the end.
After realizing that my prayers won't do my part of the script for me except I play it out myself, I started to reorient and counsel myself.
"I was not the one who killed her"
"My posts weren't the cause of her death"
"Her birthday wasn't the reason why she left"
"She died that way doesn't mean every other person would die like that"
"And that no matter what, everyone is meant to die and the days, years or manner might just be the only difference".
Only with these and the help of God I was able to scale through this gradually. It is 2 years already and even though my posts are still not as active as before, but then it is way different from how it was when the trauma started.
I'll be dropping my 🖊️ here on the Hive Learners community prompt
Thanks for reading through 🤗
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