Over the last two weeks I've watched a transformation that happens virtually in front of my eyes each day and it breaks my heart a little more each day. I don't show it, I put on a brave face and smile, talk about happy things and try to create an atmosphere that is not miserable or sad, but I cry a lot and I am mostly broken.
When my mother started palliative chemotherapy several weeks ago the oncologist said she may lose her hair. Two weeks ago it began to fall and has continued unabated until now she's left with a few whisps here and there and looking at her tears my heart out.
She said she'd be ok with it however at her last chemotherapy session she was watching another woman who had lost all of hers and later she told me she didn't think she would feel comfortable knowing she looked like that. I had a solution of course, kept a brave face and focused on how we'd deal with it, and several days later my mother had a pull-on wig which looks very lovely on her, quite natural and actually suits her a lot. She's happy, and that made me happy.
My boy took this image
I'm breaking, a little more each day, even despite the amazing man I have in my life who is supportive, attentive and understanding. He knows what to say mostly and knows when not to say anything and just let me cry...but it's very difficult. Seeing my mother happy, her smile when she realised how good the wig looked made me smile; it's what we all need I think.
Sometimes I feel ineffective, like I'm not doing enough, but there's nothing more I can do. I worry that, when she's gone, I'll have regrets and I'll not be able to do anything about it; that keeps me up at night sometimes. I work through it though, try to be logical and remind myself how grateful my mother is for what I'm doing; she says so every day.
It's amazing what a little change can do for a person, the wig, and in the last few days my mother has seemed a lot better within herself and that's made me happy. I hope it continues, for both of us.
Becca 馃挆