When I was younger, I was obsessed with the game Sims. It was the only real video game that I would stay up all night playing, I even owned the expansion packs. I would spend over 8 hours creating my characters, going through every hairstyle, hair color, every skin shade, nose shape, chin, muscle mass, eye color, eye shape, and eyebrow arch, in the pursuit to make them as realistic to my family as possible.
Once I got the physical characteristics as close as possible, it was time for personality. You could choose their zodiac sign or choose how much of which quality you wanted your virtual human to be from a scale of zero to ten :
Absent-minded
Adventurous
Athletic
Ambitious
Angler
Artistic
Brave
Born Salesman/Saleswoman
Charismatic
Childish
Clumsy
Commitment Issues
Daredevil
Eccentric
Evil
Excitable
Family Oriented
Frugal
Flirty
Grumpy
I was caught between being as realistic as possible and fulfilling a fantasy of mine. I could make myself what I thought the ideal me could be. I meticulously played with every scenario that I could think of, using it as practice for what I could be. I thought I could see what my life would be like if they had a different personality. Maybe I can let myself fall in love.
Making my mom suave and a cunning businesswoman, and making my father hard working seemed less exciting than making them neurotic daredevils who are evil. But, I chose the less exciting route anyways. Instead, I devoted my time making our personalities as close to the truth as the game would let me, while playing god and going against the odds to form a relationship that just wasn’t there. I tried so hard to stay truthful, but I cheated with two things in the game, wealth (by using cheat codes) and the house.
I would always try to make a circle house on Sims. How cool would it be to live in a circle house? How unique? I saw that you could by a circular home, but it was almost impossible to make. It frustrated me beyond no end. Disappointing myself, I eventually gave up and built a generic square or rectangular home, similar to the one I lived in.
For years I forgot about the circle house. It wasn’t in my thoughts, I haven’t even played Sims since 2006.
2016
I woke up in my friend’s bed, sweating. I sat up, pulled his steel blue sheets close to my chest, hiding my bare skin and stared out his window. *Why did his roommates turn the heat up to 85 degrees? *I could feel his eyes glaring at me. It was an uncomfortable feeling. A feeling that made my spine quiver. *Could he see that I was sweating? * I didn’t turn around to find out.
“Have you ever played Sims? I used to always try to make a circle house.”
Why did I blurt that out? He sat up. His eyes felt even sharper.
“What?”
“You know, a circle house.”
“Like a cylinder?”
Smooth move Bea, he totally thinks you're deranged. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail.
“Yeah, I guess. But wouldn’t that be interesting? It would be like living in an arena. Where would you go? It would be one big open space, like a ring.” My eyes stayed fixate on his window. The curtains hang clumsily off of the tacks that held it up. If you’re going to hang something up, why not do it the proper way?
I finally found the courage to turn and look at him. I knew I totally lost him, but I couldn’t stop talking about the circle house. My eyes darted around his room, trying to think of a way to make the moment feel less awkward. His room felt even hotter.
Finally, I found a way to divert the conversation away from my scattered thoughts.
“Can you get me a glass of water?” He left the room.
But then I realized, I lived in a circle house my whole life. It may not have been a literal circle, but a psychological arena in which my life played out.
