I have a colleague and a close friend who is Lesbian. She is married with a wife and two kids, similar ages compared to my kids. The first time I met her at work, I remember the hesitation that she felt while mentioning her family. She just wanted to talk about her wife. She said, “I am married and with two kids, and my wife (I am married to a woman) is a lady”. I quoted her exact words. Do you see the hesitation? Can you possibly fathom the amount of courage it takes to say that even today? I can’t…
So I stayed silent and listened to her. When she was finished I offered a ‘play-date’ with my kids. For those who don't know what that is. It is basically a meet up when parents set up a time and a location (can be a park, can be respective homes) where the kids visit each other and play together, while parents chat. It is quite common and welcoming things to do when two married people socially interact where both parties have kids. I remember the joy in her face when I offered. Clearly she wasn’t expecting it. This interaction was years back, and later on when I got to know her much better, I did ask her what she felt at the time. As per her statement, the complications were at various levels. All related to race, color, origin etc…
So you see, how many barriers she had to jump, just to state a simple information about her family that she has a wife and two kids. For a straight person, like myself, it's just information. I never think about it before stating it to a person I just met.
This is a real story and my personal experience. I wanted to share this because, many of you may run into people who can have different gender identity than you assume. Now I am not an expert of religion, or social science. But I am tolerant towards a fellow human. This is basic and there is no reason for you not to be tolerant towards a fellow human, regardless of your personal beliefs and the other person’s gender identity. Please do yourself a favor and listen when that situation arrives. Lot of us from where we are from, we love to talk and don’t care to listen. It is never too late to change that. These simple tactics can solve many problems in your life. This is far easier said than done, and especially in Bangladesh, I expect situations to be far worse than what I have experienced in the west. So I am curious to read about what others have thought on the subject.
Billie Grace Ward
LGBTQ luminaries
Taken on July 29, 2020
A woman happily in love, she burns the soufflé. A woman unhappily in love, she forgets to turn on the oven. - Baron St. Fontanel - Sabrina (1954)
This is one of my favorite quotes. I suppose people used to be simpler but I could be wrong. Regardless, it does tell you what people happily in love do. I say, the quote actually matches almost any situation regarding love. The definition and the parameters of love are still blurry to me and I'm not the only one who'd feel that way. But I believe love is simple, it's people who are complicated.
They say Love makes us all do crazy things, I disagree. Our minds are warped and wired to do crazy things without our hearts' involvement. But different people have different opinions. I'm neither too open-minded nor too restricted in my beliefs. There's a limit to the good and bad in me but I'm not all gray either. I guess I have beaten around the bush long enough and I should no longer keep the issue at bay.
LGBTQ - if I say it's a popular topic, that'd be insulting and I'm in no position to be offensive. I wouldn't say I'm a supporter, nor you'd see me flying the colorful banners but don't get me wrong here. I'm a firm believer of Live and Let Live which means it really doesn't matter to me who you choose to be with. It's your life, so no one else will live it for you nor anyone should project their views on how you should live. I believe that you have all the right to choose to be with whoever you want, however you want, and restricting you or binding you to stereotypes and tying you to an orthodox structure so that you fit into others' lives is something that goes against everything I stand for.
What should matter is the mind and heart of the person you love, not their gender.
People say they're open minded and kind but when their sense of reality and walls of comfort comes crashing down, it's at that point they choose to leave their open-mindedness in a box - certainly "unconventional love" would make them do the latter. I have been around people who are miserable in love or just simply miserable in relationships and I don't wish to be on any of those sections. A fraction of these people will just be envious of all those who are happier than them. And somehow they have this belief that they can dictate others' lives. Those who want to judge you will find a reason, whether you're gay/lesbian or transgender it will matter to them simply because they can rattle you with that information. And, in other circumstances they'll find something else to badger you with. The point is, people will judge and sadly their tribe is huge. Then there are those to whom you don't matter much and so they won't be bothered at all with what goes around in your life. And lastly there are those who care about you truly; it's my belief that if someone really cares about you then they'll want you to be happy, no matter what you are or who you're with. For me, being happy trumps all other wants and desires.
You may love who you like and the decision entirely is up to you, but it does take a lot of courage to pursue what you want or what makes you happy. You're the lead character of your life, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. Ask me if I'm an LGBTQ supporter, I'd only say I'm a YOLO supporter.
No one will feel your pain, nor will they laugh your laughs for you. They're yours to feel... Just like your life is yours to live.
Homosexuality and other sexual orientations that are not traditional heterosexual were condemned in most western countries even half a century ago. Think about Alan Turing, the father of computers, who was cast aside, subdued, denied of his recognition, and forced to undergo violent therapies to alter his natural sexual orientation by the British govt. Why, the British, who always claimed themselves to be one of the most civilized people on earth (even though they massacred, tortured, siphoned resources from all over the world) found it quite alright to deny a gay man of his rights 70 years ago?
The same answer a Bangladeshi would give now in 2022—our culture and religion do not allow LGBTQ+.
But the world has moved since then, it is no longer in the shadow of ignorance. American Psychological Association removed homosexuality as a mental disease nearly 50 years ago. We now know homosexuality is not a perversion, it is merely a different orientation which is perfectly natural. In fact, the most convincing evidence of this reasoning is that so many species in the wild show homosexual behavior sometimes or throughout their life. We also now know a homosexual person feels the same as a heterosexual feels when they are in love—the hormones are the same. It is not merely a physical need but an emotional one too. It is innate. This is why other members of LGBTQ+, specifically transgender people undergo operations to change their sexual organs to match their hormones, meaning, their sexual identities.
But I want to cast aside the scientific reasonings. I want to appeal to humanity, humility, and morality—all the good qualities we humans developed over the millions of years. Sure, we are often violent and territorial. We invoke pain and suffering on others and the world leaders of today continue to do so. Even then, we wouldn't be able to survive as a species with sheer greed and hatred towards others. Without altruism, humanity would not come this far and collapse. How altruism helped develop the human race is a topic for sociology but I want to simply address it to make a point—live and let live. LGBTQ+ people are just like you and me, they cry, laugh, love, feel in the same way. They have the same basic human rights and no dogmas should bar their way of life.
Cultures change, as people change. Cultures aren't static. So aren't religions. As we grow more tolerant towards difference, our cultures grow richer and better. It's not the other way around.
Accepting LGBTQ+ people in Bangladeshi society will not really change any structural integrity (if there is any) as many fear—mostly because people have wrong ideas of what LGBTQ+ is like. They do not snatch your partners, do not force themselves on your children, they do not have overly active sexual drive. They are not sex machines. They are just people, only slightly different that has nothing to do with crimes and mania or anarchy in society. And we have to remember, anyone can commit a crime. And most sex crimes are done by heterosexuals. Not because they are hetero, but because they are criminals. We can see examples from other countries. Accepting LGBTQ+ hasn't really changed their society at all. They still have the same laws, social etiquettes, and norms. Ours will also be the same.
Not accepting them, however, is a crime. An act of repression and state-sanctioned brutality. We have sinned for so long for shunning a section of our community, perhaps it is time we start repenting.
Bangladeshi law that identifies homosexuality as illegal came from the british law of the colonial period. The british law changed in Britain long ago, it's our time to change our law as well.
Now, this is a sensitive topic to talk about indeed.
There is no sugarcoating it when it comes to LGBTQ+ and the stigma surrounding it in BD. And the situation in our country regarding this, isn’t all that good.
If we go by the law, it is clearly stated that anyone found to be in any behaviour leaning towards homosexuality is redeemed a criminal. And the punishment varies from ten years to life imprisonment for anyone found ‘guilty’. If we put laws and regulations aside, even the general public are very hostile towards the community and seem very keen on serving the punishment themselves, even before the law steps in.
But I’m not actually here to talk about these people or how they treat this community, which despite all the hatred and barriers, keep seeming to grow day by day, no. I’m here to talk about the community itself, which actually holds some of the most creative and talented minds I’ve had the pleasure to come across, and how these people are living despite all the backlash and hate, they receive on a daily basis.
It’s said that under oppression, creativity blooms. And like desert flowers, I’ve seen some LGBTQ+ people in this country raise their voices in their own creative way. Many lgbtq+ painters, writers, singers and artists who are extremely talented aren’t getting the recognition they deserve because of their association with the community, and that really pains me.
You should never judge a person’s talent based on how they choose to live their life. "Judge the art, not the artist." — is what I always believe in. But it’s the lack of common decency and the delusion of grandeur that sets off the people, and instead of encouragement, we see insults and threats pouring down on the artist while their creation is shoved under the rug.
To me, a country should be measured by the mentality of the people more than the level of education and wealth. And if the people aren’t even mature enough to appreciate talent, and aren’t educated enough to separate the artist from the art, then we have a problem.
No one seems to understand that you aren’t actually committing to the artist’s lifestyle you appreciated just by showing appreciation. So the bullying continues without a stop, and now, most people have the mentality to sneer at anything out of the typical gender norms.
A feminine looking man? He is undoubtedly gay.
A girl who is a bit masculine? She surely is a lesbian.
The word gay is used like water when you are insulting someone. And if you managed to pull off an insult that hits on that person’s gender or sexuality, whether they are or aren’t a part of the community in the first place, you surely are a hero to be applauded and celebrated.
The most disgusting thing is that these very people who hide behind screens are often out there participating in various questionable acts. Still, when it all comes down to homosexuality, suddenly everyone is a saint sent from heaven.
As you can guess by now, I’m actually very bitter about this. It’s because I’ve seen some of my LGBT friends who hide behind shadows because of this very act of others, and it’s because of this that so many talents are still suppressed and unfound.
In the end, it’s all about love. And no, I’m not separating homosexual love from heterosexual love. Because there is no separation. Love is just love. It’s selfless, it’s giving, it’s healing, and it’s incredibly, incredibly, simple. It strikes like lightning and flows like the river. And no matter how hard you try to force it back, it lives on.
Just as you can’t stop a flower from blooming, you can’t stop love from taking hold. The human heart, afterall, is a complex thing. So who am I to judge on what makes another person happy? Who am I to question how they choose to live? They don't question me, so why would I point my fingers at them? It’s better to just let them be. Their happiness doesn’t cost me anything, now does it?
এই পছন্দটা আমার ভিতর থেকে মা... আমার কোনো নিয়ন্ত্রণ নাই।
তুই আজই বাসা ছেড়ে চলে যাবি।
আমি জানতাম এই দিন আসবে। তুমি খালি আমার জন্য চিন্তা কইরো না।
চিন্তা তো তোরে নিয়ে সবসময়ই থাকবে। কিন্তু আমি জবাব টা দিবো কী?
কার কাছে মা? কে জানবে?
আল্লাহ! আল্লাহ তো জানবে!
আল্লাহই তো আমাকে এমন বানাইছে মা।
*-
Okay, It’s been a while since I wrote anything in general, and to be honest, I didn’t think the comeback would be through a topic related to the LGBTQ+ theme. Still, nevertheless, I am happy to be back, and also am honoured to write on such a topic.
It’s not news that, here in BD society, the concept of LGBTQ+ is mainly frowned upon. Most people either don’t know about it thoroughly or don’t offer any support to the community. The lack of support and knowledge regarding this is somewhat understandable. It’s a lot to expect from a conservative and traditional society like Bangladesh to be open about something controversial which goes against their belief system. I was also a part of that traditional conservative society. I also, like many others, didn’t support this community, mainly because of the way I was raised and partially because of my lack of interest in opening up for a discussion or trying to understand the meaning behind the movement. But it all changed through a tragic experience.
I used to play a lot of online games in my teenage years, and through these experiences, I met a lot of strangers across the world. Among them, one stuck out, and somehow we became really good friend.
This girl and I used to play together almost every day, and we bonded over similar interests. The time difference between us was an obstacle, but somehow, we built up an incredible friendship.
One night, during one of our playthroughs, she casually said how she had this massive crush on a girl in her school and so on. And to be honest, it took me a while to understand what she said. I would be lying if I said the statement didn’t catch me off guard. But, by this point, she had already become a very close friend of mine, and I realised, whether she had a crush on boys or girls didn’t really change the fact that she was a fantastic person and a good friend. And just because she likes girls, the six-month-old friendship we created didn’t change. If you asked me which is one of the proudest moments of my life, I’d probably mention this one. Because after she came out to me reluctantly, instead of making offending comments or being a jerk, I simply said, “Cool, What do you like most about her?”
I am glad I didn’t react in any other way because right after I said that, she had a massive meltdown and began telling me how I was the first person she came out to and how this whole sexual orientation thing was making her life ten times worse than it was.
That was the first time in my short life, I saw what a person who isn’t straight goes through within a homophobic environment. And it just felt so... Wrong and unnecessary.
Because all they did was love a person and love, shouldn’t be put on a trial to judge, nor should it be decapitated shamefully, nor should it be marked as a sin.
It was what I told her that night, along with myself, too, because this whole concept, even for me, this realisation, was new. Without realising, she had changed my entire point of view with this one conversation, and I finally began seeing past the narrow point of view.
It wasn’t surprising that our friendship grew stronger after that, with me being the only person she could be herself with. Well, that was until life caught up to us both, and we became busier. Or maybe it was just me who got busy. There was a month or two gap in between when I was caught up with finals and studies and didn’t have time to play games or chat. When I finally got the free time, she was gone.
She just vanished without any responses. At first, I thought maybe she got busy with the finals too and didn’t look into it more, but I started getting worried after a while. We had some mutual friends, and one of them lived pretty close to her, and at this point, he was the best shot to get any news regarding her.
But when I asked him, the news that I got wasn’t something I had expected. And to this day, it just brings back an ocean worth of guilt inside me.
She had committed suicide two months ago, as the bullying finally caught up to her. And I wasn’t there to support her.
In the end, she lost to the homophobic society. A seventeen-year-old girl with a red scarf and brown eyes who had the saddest smile and loved four of her dogs died because society didn’t let her live a single day of peace. Just because she fell in love with a girl. And, I, like a lousy friend, wasn’t there to stop her.
I know it was supposed to be about the acceptance of LGBTQ+ in the bd topic. Still, I had to write about this as it aligns with the story of My acceptance of this community. Because individual understanding and acceptance are what leads to major changes.
- Headclerk
While writing this piece, I was presented with a dilemma. On one hand there is a very interesting topic such as the current context of non binary genders and Bangladesh which if i were to write about, i wouldn't be able to pull it off without creating a controversy, on the other hand there is an option to write about holiday travels which i would bitch about so much so after my recent experiences that many would just skip it after reading 1/4th. After thinking about it for a day now, I am choosing to write about basic human rights.
I am a very spiritual and religious person. That makes me inherently biased and labels me as an anti LGBTQ+. On top of that, I am also a hypocrite. Like many in denial, who I see around me talking about these issues even after being privileged up to the point where it becomes funny. Unlike them I accept that I am one and so I usually refrain from writing anything about human rights issues. But I will try to remain unbiased while I write this. I am also a criminology major as many of the few whose reading this already knows. And throughout my graduation I have studied victimology a bit along with gender crimes, human rights issues and many other such subjects that deal with our state of being human as a whole. The most important thing I have learned throughout is that we very much like to talk about why. Why we should accept this, why we should do that and keep stating the obvious. Instead of “how”. We keep preaching to the choir, an example of something likewise would be marketing hive on the hive platform.
If we strip down all of the surrounding superficial intricacies, it is as simple as what our respected editor and loved 
Many would argue that the situation could be better and not how I am saying it to be. To that I would say it is better to prepare for the worst. When we can't even ensure and help maintain the culture of our indeginous people whose lives we are ruining through forced tourism, no point in handing people fueled by delusion of grandeur another tire to beat on with a hammer. I am a cynic, and so I look at the worst outcome first and what I see is not a happy one.
If you are someone who draws an example of the west, understand the fact that the societies and cultures in those lands are centuries old. The definition of human rights throughout the world is defined through geopolitics. The people of the west, they understand how to work their ways through a cultural melting pot compared to which we are savages. Clashes of civilization and culture most of the time ends with the social group in control of resources victorious. In Bangladesh, the sentiment towards the “others'' from us is not a pretty site. It is fairly easy to deal with these issues sitting behind a keyboard while residing in an urbanized area and forget the fact that most of our population till date do not know what basic human rights are. So to change our society into accepting the “others” along with non binaries, the easiest way is to grow a generation, our childrens more complacent towards ideas that poke at their comfort zone. Sure it is going to take time, a long time, but if you look carefully, there is no way around it. Preach this, and someday we just might be able to see our friends live however they want.
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