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Have you ever wondered how to face your fears?
Have you ever wondered why certain fears keep returning, even when you know they are holding you back?
Why do they keep coming, quietly finding their way into your thoughts, until they begin to eat deeply into your confidence?
For a long time, I didn't know how to answer these questions because, honestly, I was afraid of almost everything that required me to begin again.
I was always afraid of starting over, afresh
I once remained in a relationship that drained me in more ways than I could admit, it drained me financially, materially, emotionally, and mentally.
And deep down, I knew I wasn't happy, i knew the relationship wasn't favoring me anymore, but I stayed.
Not because I didn't know what to do but I stayed because I was afraid.
I was afraid of leaving and having to start again, afraid of being alone and that I wouldn't find another person. Afraid that perhaps what I had was the best I could get.
Looking back, I realize that fear can make us negotiate with our own happiness without our permission
The same thing happened with my writing, I knew some of the poems I was writing weren't connecting. I knew I needed to change into another niche and also to discover different ways to express myself.
Yet, I kept writing the same things.
Why? FEAR
I was afraid that if I started something new, I wouldn't know what to write. I was afraid of failing in a new space, so I remained in a familiar one that wasn't producing the results I wanted. Which I became stagnant
I was also a people pleaser, too many fears that if I told people the truth of how I'm truly doing, they would leave. So, sometimes, I chose lies over honesty and did things to make other people comfortable while ignoring how uncomfortable they made me.
I was constantly trying not to lose people, without realizing that, in the process, I was losing myself.
Then I came across a post from The Handler on Facebook about AUDACITY, that word stayed with me.
Audacity...
I began to understand that sometimes, what we call courage is simply the willingness to act despite fear, you don't necessarily have to stop being afraid before you make a decision. Sometimes, you have to move while your hands are still shaking.
So I started choosing audacity.
First and foremost, Audacity to leave what was draining me and start again.
Secondly, Audacity to rewrite the courses I carried over instead of allowing shame to define me.
Thirdly, Audacity to explore new areas of writing for my voice to be heard and connect
Fourthly, Audacity to tell the truth, even if the truth meant losing people.
Most importantly, the Audacity to choose myself.
I still have fears, and i don't think fear completely disappears. But I've learned that fear doesn't deserve to be the person making my decisions.
So, most times, you have to look at fear and say, “I hear you, but I'm moving anyway.”
Because starting over isn't always a sign that you failed, it is a proof that you finally had the audacity to save yourself