I try to squeeze my mind
like pulp from a dying fruit
Nothing comes
But the tears—
they come
and the throat—
it hurts
like I swallowed
a scream
made of centuries.
Is it all from the tears?
Is it pain?
I don’t know.
Maybe it’s the ghost
of a heartbreak
years ago—
When I was offered a love
as good as sunlight—
and I touched
the sun.
My days were golden.
But somewhere, I knew—
the sun was fading.
That’s what I remember.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Now
I don’t even know
what warmth felt like.
What difference
meant.
And I wonder:
Is this loss
so terrible?
They don’t tell us about life—
not life.
Not the raw one.
The one with
two directions.
Not the staged one:
Success
Joy
Certainty
Light
But the real one:
Confusion
Ache
Silence
Ruin
Wonder
I’m in the other wave now.
The lost current.
The hollow part.
I don’t know how long
this ache will stay lodged
in the doors of my throat—
But I know
I signed for this.
I wanted to feel.
To feel.
I asked to ache.
I said yes.
To sorrow,
to fire,
to becoming
the echo
of my ancestors’ grief.
When I go—
I want to say:
I felt it.
I was there.
The ache
was a star
imploding
inside my windpipe.
Was it karma?
Maybe.
Maybe I was chosen
to write it out
drop by drop—
let the lingering ache
begin to vanish
in rhythm.
In my family
we fed each other
hurt.
Passed it
like bread.
I watched them as a child—
those gods and ghosts—
and learned
that love
can wound,
and wounds
can love.
I am tired.
Tired of cycles
that sing
the same old bloodsong.
So I chose distance.
I chose
peace.
But when I try to name
what I feel—
my tears drop.
And my throat
remembers
everything
I can’t.
So tell me—
What’s the worst you’ve seen?
When will the wheel
break
or turn
or burn?
Sometimes
I hear a song—
a bright one.
And my heart
pounds.
A smile and a tear
arrive together
like twin spirits.
Who am I kidding?
I love love.
I love.
I fall in love
with the air
between notes.
With a melody
carving light
through the ache.
So tell me again:
What’s the worst?
Was it joy
or was it pain?
I don’t know.
I let my tears answer
in my place.
Until grace
opens its hands
and gives me
clarity.