"my first instinct is to always assume people are fucking with me"

You should have gone with that instinct. I'm sorry/happy to hear about you becoming some lesbians' butt slave (depending on how you feel about butt slavery).

I took about a year off to focus on my actual work so your five months isn't so bad. I only came back when I had to take a week off because I had been super exposed to covid. I might try to make this a regular thing again though.