Mother

Mother

You looked at me with such happiness and love,
you would light up when I came in.
I cannot figure out,
cannot understand,
you were such a mystery to me, a cipher.
At times so full of grace and other times you seemed, mischievous,
maybe that is not the right word, playful?, but also hidden at the same time.

I loved you so,
hated to see you go,
there wasn't a damn thing I could do,
just watch.
You chose the way you wanted to live,
and with a quite resolve you kept to it for better or worse.
Sometimes, you come to me in my dreams,
you are always much younger and agile in your movements,
not as I remember you,
not at the last, when you could barely get out of your chair,
you'd almost fall over after getting up.
You were so heavy, out of shape.
You just wanted to sit in your chair,
watch TV and eat your little candies.
The ones you had hidden.
The ones you shouldn't have been eating since you were diabetic.

Oh mother, I miss you.
I stare at your picture on my bureau,
us standing side by side and remember.
You raised me, you cared for me, scolded me, taught me, helped me, listened to me, and understood me, better than dad, better than maybe anyone.
But still you are such a mystery,
such a beautiful mother, who’d send her guardian angel to watch out for me.
The angel is still watching over me.
Thank you for your love and kindness.
I never made it up to you, for all you did,
I never gave you grand children, or a daughter in-law,
or praise, enough love, or expensive presents,
I never gave you all you should have,
I can only remember you with such longing and fondness,
it's all I can give you in return for the life you gave me.