I Am Afraid I Would Forget

There was a blog post which I read yesterday that really moved me and brought me to tears because it somehow brought to life one of my biggest fears. The article was about a daughter talking about the current condition of her old-age mom (who used to be an award-winning actress), and how she is now taking it.

Her mom, she said, has dementia due to Alzheimer's disease. It is a condition most common among old age people, wherein their memory deteriorates, and inevitably, forgets.

Dementia a syndrome in which there is deterioration in memory, thinking, behavior, and the ability to perform everyday activities.[WHO]

As somebody who lost her dad suddenly and not able to say "goodbye", she takes the condition of her mom as a "long goodbye" which for her is an opportunity to care for her mom and be able to just be with her as her memory fades.

She then closed her blog with these powerful lines from the book Still Alice by Lisa Genova, which again made tears stream down my face:

"You’re so beautiful,” said Alice. “I’m afraid of looking at you and not knowing who you are.”
“I think that even if you don’t know who I am someday, you’ll still know that I love you.”
“What if I see you, and I don’t know that you’re my daughter, and I don’t know that you love me?”
“Then, I’ll tell you that I do, and you’ll believe me."

Apparently "Still Alice" was also made into a film. I think I want to check that out.

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"What if you forget about us, mommy?"

My daughter one day wittingly asked. This happened as I came back inside the house for the n^th time because I kept on forgetting things as I was about to leave.

So I told her, "That will never happen, my dear." Although honestly, I am afraid that one day, I could. There is a possibility that I would. It breaks my heart. 💔

My husband says that I am overthinking things, that there really are a lot of things that we tend to forget so instead we have to focus on "the present".

But I still can't help but be scared. Each time I scram inside my brain to locate that teeny weeny bit of not-so-distant memory or information. Each time that I struggle to find the words to express my thoughts, or name a person who I worked with for so many years... I am scared.

Making Memories

A lot of times, I look back in time through photographs, videos, and the blog entries that I make here on Hive. Of course, the memories come flooding in, though sometimes some just don't ring a bell anymore.

These hounding thoughts just made me want to document a lot of what we do in any way I can. I am even hesitant to delete silly videos that my kids leave on my phone. These occupy a big portion of my phone's memory, but that's what they are -- memories!

Over-thinking or valid-thinking... the article really shook me to bits. I am thankful I am able to spend time with my kids 24/7 now. It's the best time to make memories!

Well, I also hope I am able to say the same about my parents. I miss them dearly and I hope to make more memories with them. So far, I have lost 15 years with them when I moved overseas. I hope to spend more time with them someday soon.

❤️
Arlyn