Life has been so strange lately... Ever since I stumbled onto this adventure I kind of feel like something changed.
Like... A new timeline was created, but... I suppose that happens all the time every time we seemingly choose to do anything.
If we do have free will and this isn't just like some kind of movie we are watching that seems real, then it would appear as if some of the smallest choices someone makes could ripple out in magnitudes and ways unknown that change things dramatically.
Been thinking about my friend David a lot, and when I do I tend to think of Amanda as well.
And, one thing that helps me to sort of not guilt trip myself or blame myself is that we never truly know how what we are going to do will ripple forward.
A very small thing could in a sense potentially help save a life and it could also do the opposite and make things even worse.
When I try to think of things I "should" have done better, I try to remind myself that I didn't know better at the time and I "shouldn't" blame myself for what I didn't know.
In addition to that I think... I probably could have helped in some way or ways, but... What if I had made things even worse?
If we don't know how our choices will ripple outward, then it could have theoretically gone either way.
It's still hard for me on a regular basis to focus with high energy on the project I'm working on or much of anything outside of small bursts and I often cry a bit when I'm about to eat or do something enjoyable knowing I'm still physically here and they are not.
Forgiveness helps a lot. I forgive everyone of everything including myself, but these sad thoughts still creep up quite often...
It feels so weird to have lost the first woman I fell in love with and my main friend growing up who I probably spent the most time with out of all my friends... Feels hollow and empty without them and I wonder why I'm still here and they're not, though I'm pretty sure they would both want me to keep going and I think anyone who truly loves me would want the same including myself.
Anyways... I know the longer these posts get the less people read so I'm going to end it there.
PS... I don't think I ever uploaded this picture before, but, I should have. This was one of the nights the Northern Lights was visible. I didn't do a very good job capturing it, but at least I got this shot and one other that are kinda nice!
Hopefully in the future I get more opportunities to film it! <3
