Hi there. :)
This picture of me was from a memorable adventure.
I like how happy I look and my family has recently been saying I look healthy and happy... So, that's nice to hear! Learning to be more grateful, love/accept myself and others more, a near death experience and being on the adventure of a lifetime are some of the reasons I think why I'm happier.
In addition to the portrait of myself I wanted to share another spoken word poem song thing...
I've posted part of this poem before in text form, but... This is probably my favorite poem that I've made so I wanted to fix it up a bit more and try to do a vocal version.
The singing part in the beginning of this song is very difficult for me.
My masculine side/ego has an extreme difficulty trying to sing.
I've never taken any lessons and I know it's not good, lol.
But... I've been humming that part of the song to myself for a while when I go out on adventures, so... I might as well share it even if it's bad, heh. It has a quirky sentimental value to me and in the end I'm making these for myself cause I enjoy it, if anyone else enjoys it as well then that's a plus! If not... Oh well! At least I enjoy it. :)
Hopefully one day I'll get the funds/time/etc for professional singing lessons! (And other vocal skills like rapping and other styles) Though, for now... I kinda just want to try to express myself even if it sucks.
PS I sorta broke a rule I used to have with this poem by having it not rhyme in a few places including the end.
But, I feel I'm at a place where I don't have to always rhyme anymore and sometimes other words are more fitting.
I'm going to post a text version below as well and I guess if you wanted to give me a Christmas gift you could read it or listen to it. Peace, love and bye until next time! <3
_
Inconspicuous
You never know... What you might find.
When you look around with an open mind.
You just might be a bit surprised.
Sometimes it's almost as if the universe sends us signs.
Not just once in a lifetime, but once in many many many lifetimes.
From infinity, a one of a kind.
It can be plenty difficult to try to define and describe.
Following this symphony of synchronystical designs.
Towards a mystical path which feels intrinsically aligned.
In line with the principles of totality combined.
Within everything here intermittingly intertwined.
Outside separation inside unites despite the bright and the blight.
How could such incredible complexity even exist or arise?
What a crazy life.
This world has many riddles... You can learn a lot if you listen and seek in the middle and the extremes.
Though... It can make you feel little and it's definitely not always as easy as it seems, especially without the right kind of ears to hear and eyes to see.
Much is hidden in plain sight, so... It appears some won't even consider such at all, indeed...
Sometimes it's so loud and clear and seems so obvious it's hard to believe, though all is not always as it seems.
A gleam underneath, sparkles of light hiding a mystery so mind bogglingly unique.
From visions unforeseen of existential means dreamed.
Such velocity.
A way to cross beyond what can be seen.
Occulted indefinitely.
Moving in the grand scheme between scenes effortlessly and endlessly.
Constantly haunting incessantly.
Perplexingly.
Immeasurably.
Iridescently.
Existentially.
To such incredible lengths reached.
Within splitting splintering eventualities.
Unable to fully express what is perceived.
Futility forking into functionality.
Presently programming a better subjective reality to proceed.
Learning how to further genuinely enjoy being me.
Still facing the nightmare, however discovering how to really truly treasure more of what's left of this dream.
I still wish I could do certain things.
Yet, no further need to achieve.
Just grateful right now.
And thankful every morning.
That I have another day with my friends and family.
Simply valuing what my being here and remaining brings.
The positive changes in perception allow me to smile free.
In memories of the rain and wind.
There was a point I never thought I'd be able to truly smile again, and wow...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't heal this much sooner.
I'm sorry I'm still such a loser.
But... Inside of myself finally a place where I can start anew has been found.
Wish I would have found it much sooner.
And... Still a long ways away, yet finally getting my life more together.
Thinking extra fondly of that which grows out of difficult places and the late bloomers.
I love myself and all others into the future and sooner, no matter what happens... Beyond words, forever. <3
Also, here's a Christmas/New Years letter from me as well.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!
This sure has been one of the most intense and interesting years of my life.
I was having the adventure of a lifetime and then I got sick with a rare illness and was temporarily paralyzed to an extreme level where I couldn't walk, talk, eat, drink, or do many other basic things and struggled to survive for a while...
After a lot of difficulty I managed to be able to resume the adventure I was on.
I'm recovering pretty good, though I'm not 100% back to where I was yet and am still healing and getting stronger.
We don't know for sure what caused it, but the CDC's experts main theory was that it was from eating food (beans probably) that sat out unrefrigerated for more than two hours after being cooked.
It's still hard to believe all that happened, I have flashbacks somewhat often and my throat scar still bothers me a little bit sometimes... Though, I'm trying to learn from it and be more grateful, present and happy.
And, I'm definitely trying really hard to make sure everything that needs to be refrigerated is either put in the fridge or the freezer within 2 hours of being opened or cooked or whatever.
I'm also trying to be more conscious of health related things in general. Don't want that to ever happen again!
Since resuming the adventure I've been learning a lot and discovering some new things, time will hopefully tell what it all means... Though, I feel like I'm moving in a really positive direction in life!
Which is especially nice after being seriously depressed for so many years, it's really quite a sense of achievement when I consider even some of the smaller things... But, there's some bigger ones as well and I'm very grateful.
My increased positivity doesn't mean I don't see the negative stuff in the world anymore, I've just chosen to focus more on positive things and less on the negative ones as I was likely out of balance and focusing "too much" on the negative and I think I'm in much better balance now, though still a ways to go I'm sure.
Who knows what the truth is in regard to all that, I just know that for me the increased positivity has improved my mental health and overall well being and the mind and perception sure are powerful things.
To me right now every day feels like a gift, I remind myself numerous times throughout the day and when I wake up at night to be grateful that I'm still here with my family and friends and more.
I have some strong dreams and some big things I want to achieve, however... Even if none of that happens I'm just happy for the people I love and the simple things and the good memories.
I'd like to type up a personal letter to everyone who sent me a letter when I was in the hospital, though I've just been so busy and I'm still behind on a lot of things... One day though hopefully I can do that.
Thank you again so much to everyone who showed any kind of support, friendship or kindness. It helped me and those are things I think we could use more of in the world. <3
I hope things are going as good as possible for you during the holidays and just in general as well! Peace and bye until next time.
-Love Paul