Another Spiritual Quest

I went on a small "spirit quest"/adventure yesterday and... It was really nice. :)

Some interesting thoughts showed themselves to me.
First... The lyrics or words came to me... "I wish I was wrong... But, the trust is gone".

I once again don't want to get into the details too much in regard to what happened but as some of you know I broke my own heart recently by opening myself up to someone who essentially treated me in ways that hurt me pretty bad.

I think part of me was hoping she would apologize, but the medicine and being out in nature helped me realize more than ever that I kind need to be able to trust someone if I'm going to be in a romantic relationship with them and even further... I almost feel like I need to be able to trust them with my life these days.

Because of the adventure stuff I've been doing and what's been going on the last few years it would be dangerous and unwise of me to try to be with someone who I can't trust at an extremely high level and I was looking forward to telling her more about what I've been up to... But, she took that away from me before I could give it to her.

I'm not trying to be mean or belabor this or anything like that, I'm just expressing myself and relaying what the spirit medicine helped me understand and it was very sort of simple and to the point...

The message I was getting wasn't trying to like demonize her or make her into some kind of bad person or anything like that... It just simply showed me that I need an amount of trust and I don't think she can give me the amount I need for a romantic relationship.

I know I speak of "not needing" things in a psychological/spiritual sense, though in the same way the body needs food to keep operating, I feel like I need trust for a romantic relationship to work.

To be fair, I have forgiven her and everyone including those who have done much worse like drop bombs on people and torture and all the worst things you can imagine and I do think it is possible to rebuild trust to an extent...

However, I don't really expect that from her or anyone and I'm reminded of a quote that goes something like... "Trust takes a long time to build and can be lost in a single second".

Then a little while later I had another realization when someone who was leaving the park by the creek was revving and accelerating their vehicle so much and so loud...

I was just like... "Wow... I actually feel sad for you, you must have a lot of unresolved pain and trauma to feel like going to one of the most quiet and peaceful places in the whole world which is also basically a retirement community of mostly elderly folks and being so incredibly loud like that".

Then I thought more about it and that moment really taught me thanks to some research and self healing that I've been doing lately that... "We all hurt, but some choose to hold on to their pain instead of trying to resolve it".

This life hurts pretty much everyone, I doubt anyone escapes the pain... But, some choose to recognize that pain and try to heal it and others "wear it like a badge of honor".

Like... "Hey everyone look at me! I've suffered and felt so much pain! Look at me! Recognize me! Notice me! No one else suffers like me!" It's almost like a competition or "cool" to hold on to your pain and suffering and to YELL it to the world so that everyone else knows just how difficult things have been for you.

And... I can relate, I was like that for many years... I've went through so much hardship, I wanted people to know that and to care and... Now, I'd rather be known for letting go of pain and suffering rather than for holding on to it. I'd rather be known for at the very least making AN EFFORT to try to resolve my issues and not just blasting them on to everyone else.

Shortly after that I noticed an ant friend when I sat down on a rock!
To me the ant in that moment symbolized work and strength, ants do a lot of work and they are strong for their size!

Then a lil while later I also I found something beautiful and then the words came to me "Thank you for letting me see you".
I felt a deep gratefulness for being allowed to see such and so much of what I've seen in life... It was a really nice feeling.

Next I started heading home and got down on the road and said hi to some woman on the other side of the street and she started talking back and asking me questions like if I hike around there often and then she asked me if my name was "Paul"? And it turns out she was a friend I knew from many years ago!

She was actually probably the first woman I ever had a crush on... I don't feel like I "fell in love" with anyone until Amanda, but... This woman was like the first woman I actually met in person and hung out with numerous times.

We had explored in nature doing photo shoots and even went to go see a movie at the theater one time and I was attracted to her, but... So absolutely terrified of attractive women at the time that I never really was able to express those kinds of feelings.

We talked for a while and then a stunningly beautiful strawberry reddish sunset came out behind one of the mountains and I wish I had my camera...

We talked a while longer and then walked back a bit before saying goodbye and she gave me a really nice hug. Like... I really felt the love. It was quite a pleasant surprise to meet someone from my past while on that "spirit quest" and then get a nice hug. :)

I think that's it for me for now, thanks for reading if you did. Bye until next time and much love! 👽 ❤️ 🤗 🦦 🤠 🎶 🪄 🌈 🦥 🧙 🦋 🐐 🛸