There are a lot of people suffering from sex and love addiction. And saying that might create strong reactions, especially from people who denies that that they have problems regarding sex, love and or relationships. This text is not written to hurt anyone, only to inform. There is help and you are definitely not alone, which is something most people feel, fear and believe.
I will describe some of the most common symptoms, and categories and also explain why it still is so difficult to look for help, beyond the obvious reason-shame. Finally I will list a few self assessment questions for anyone who is interested to do a self assessment . If you think you have this problem, or think you know someone who does it might be helpful
Most people can’t comprehend (get their head around) how sex addiction can be a problem. Isn’t it always fun to have sex? A common question I have met several times when talking to people about my work as a sex addiction therapist. But like all kinds of addictions, it tears families apart, ruins trust, creates guilt, shame, some get the diagnosis depression due to the fact that sex and love addiction not has found it’s way to the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) yet. Some people lose their jobs and some people actually take their own lives. So the list of consequences is long. The emotional pain and isolation increases over time and can easily be compared with food or gambling addiction or any addiction for that matter.
It is more often the spouse of the addict who starts looking for help. The addicted person, usually full of guilt, shame and self hatred, is often in a state of denial, making it impossible to understand they have a problem, though, deep down they feel their whole existence “is” wrong. From the addicts perspective it’s common to think that you are alone being like this. Feeling isolated is a common symptom to all addictions.
It takes quite some time of treatment to do the necessary changes to “ come back” to living an honest life. But it’s possible for anybody who is honest, open and willing. There’s an old saying in the twelve step program: HOW to recover : Honesty Openness Willingness (that’s all that is required 😜)
The most common types of sex addiction are:
Fantasy sex
This category doesn’t require more than one person, what you do, you do alone. No interaction required. And you use your fantasy as a tool. People become subjects for fantasies. (You can in your head get married to someone you see on a bus. Or memorize someone and masturbate to the memory when at home. Consequences might be that the fantasy disturb the persons ability to focus on what’s important or at hand.
Seductive role play
A huge category, containing basically anything in between being hooked on “the knowing that you could have had sex with that person” and on the other end: having sex with several people daily.
People in his category are usually hunting for confirmation and many is also workaholics. Fear of being abandoned, always having plan b ready or ongoing, even plan c and d...
Voyeuristic fantasy sex (a combination of fantasy and voyeurism
This is very common. A person watching porn and often combined with masturbation. Of course It doesn’t mean you are addicted just because a person does this (but a lot of people look for help because they have a problem, they do it even though they’ve decided not to, or stay up half night and oversleep for work, or call in sick, loose interest in their partner etc etc..
Bought or sold sex. Is what it sounds like.
Trigger for the byer is often having money not known to the spouse. There is a transaction that replaces intimacy. And it gives both the byer and seller a sense of being in control. Power can be used instead of money to get sex, a boss from an employee for instance. Or a person can offer sex to get drugs or something they want.
A first assessment
Have you ever er had any negative consequences from your sexual activities?
Have you tried to stop doing the things giving you consequences?
If yes, did you stop? If not, you might have a problem. (Most people makes mistakes and learn from them.) To continue despite the consequences indicates that there might be a problem.
Are you occupied with thoughts of what you have done or is going to do sexually?
Have you felt the need to increase your sexual behavior in any way? (Longer periods of time or escalated in any other way?)
(Don’t take this too seriously, but if you feel or think you have this problem I recommend you to look for proper help. Patric Carnes has done a lot of enlightening work in the USA for this problem. You might wanna google him up for more information)
If you are in Sweden look up www.dysberoende.se (For help)!
