Let me preface this post with how much I love my daughter. Lory is an awesome little wildling who I have had at my side and under my wing every day for the last 4,5years. Why? Because I am an over protective mother with trust issues (fully aware of this vice) who takes my responsibility as a parent seriously.
But this weekend? This wounded warrior needed a break. The weight on my shoulders the last while has been almost unbearable but I had to keep going, I had no choice.
When Lory went to her grandmother's house for the weekend, I collapsed into bed and I hardly moved for two full days. My bed became my place of solace for over 48hrs and it enveloped me like the kind arms of a gentle, comforting lover. I let go of so much of the built up sadness, anger, resentment, guilt, loneliness, regret and self loathing that I have carried with me for years. It was horrible and ugly but at the same time, it was cathartic and energetically liberating - cleansing and I regained some sense of my true self.
We all have our wounds, we all have our darkness. Nobody showcases them because so many are too proud or driven by ego to admit that we are all flawed and we all make mistakes. We are fallible, we are human, we are sometimes all patched up and we are sometimes a broken mess.
I have no shame these days in admitting it, because I hold authenticity over hubris. Some people hate that about me, that's ok. People used to be intimidated by me as a result. I held my head high but the years wore me down. The lessons have pummeled at my spirit.
How many times can you rise?
Where's the tipping point?
It's different for every person.
At one point this weekend, I closed my eyes and my mind was truly blank for a short space of time. I inhaled a deep breath and found presence. Then I found space for myself - radical acceptance. I allowed myself the grace that I am so generous with to others, but never myself.
In that quiet moment I asked myself some tough questions, I didn't like the answers, but they formed decisions nonetheless. I released it all and took the first mental step to picking myself up again with some new resolve and clarity to move aside what I have been resisting. The inner turmoil is not gone, the feelings remain, but the will to sustain movement and direction has been renewed. I'll be lacing up my boots shortly.
The Hard Parts
On the particularly rough days
When the rain clouds hang low and there's no breathing space
Remember to close your eyes, still your mind
Take some time to find grace
On the particularly tough days
When your temples pound and your body is sore
Take a moment, find some quiet inside and give that time to grow into more
On the days when you remember those who came before,
when your heart feels ruptured and your soul feels forlorn
Take solace in the small moments you had,
In the warmth that you found
In the words that were shared and the laughter around
Feel the nostalgic pull and let it tug at your lips
Let the tears fall and the smile spread
Let the departed know that they're not truly dead
In the wind find your calling
In the earth find your stead
By the creek or in the meadow may you lay down some tread
Feel the sunlight on your cheeks and the power you have to lead
Carry on my dear keep going, you have everything you need
Andrastia 2021
Image is my own
