For the past few months I was being crushed by stress and pressure from my work, my family, my relationship with my boyfriend and with myself.
Its just too hard...
I know crying won't do anything, but I believe that crying is a form of release where you can let go all of your emotions and strive to get back up again and move forward with life.
I was and I even wanted to end my life just so I can find this "peace". If only killing yourself wasn't a sin, I would've already done it in the first place.
I got so stressed with my career life.
Where should I go?
Will I be stuck forever in this low position?
Will I never get to be a regular employee?
Will I keep enduring this small and delayed salary?
Will the efforts of me graduating from a topnotch University be worthy in this kind of work?
When will my father acknowledge my career life?
Then I got stressed of money
When will the debts end?
When will I be of use in the house? When will I be able to contribute to its bills?
When will I be able to taste a high amount salary?
When will I be rich and make my parents proud?
I then got stress on my relationship with my partner
When will we get back to the way we were before?
Will we just keep on fighting?
When will I stop crying? When will I be hurt no more?
When can we be both mature enough to handle our arguments and differences?
Do I deserve to be treated this way?
My anxieties were all over the place.
I was panicking with my life.. with the future.
I felt... useless, worthless.
I've never been so confused.
My emotions was like a storm.
My faith was failing me.
And all of my hopes were falling away.
I felt that all of the things that I have are now slipping away from my hands.
I got no one else to talk to or go to. I can't possibly bother my friends with my own problems and waste their time.
And so I'll handle it myself.
A few hours ago, I wasn't feeling good...emotionally. Everyone was asleep. I went out of my room and saw my cat sleeping in the living room all cozy up. I always approach him and just play with him for a sec. But when I got close to him, I felt his warmth, his fluffy coat, his obedience, his stillness, his silence. I felt....somekind of comfort.
I was on the verge of crying. I wanted to squeeze him tight and just hug him. But of course, I can't cause my clothes would be covered in white fur in just a few seconds. And Nico doesn't like to be hugged. (And you might be wondering why a massage bed is there. It's because my parents like to have their spa day and other massaging shits be done here in our house, by of course, calling a masseuse over.)
He didn't bit me or even meowed at me. He just sat there and let me pet him.
I slowly and gently hugged him close to my face cause I really do want to feel his warmth. I felt so vulnerable and so at peace. I got no one else to go to but I was thankful that a cat gave me comfort despite the silence. No verbal communications, no arguments, no advises, just...
warmth.
Now I let him have his time to sleep. Thank you my little baby for giving mommy some comfort.
I'm still not doing well emotionally but rest assured I'm taking care of my physical body quite well. Just like taking care of my reproductive health. I am still getting myself back up and move forward with life. I think I just need a few days off like some vacation or something...
Ang hirap ng buhay, ang hirap pang mabuhay.
