Looking back at my Hive posts, I see very clearly my idealism in the belief of a "more beautiful world that our hearts know is possible" as Charles Eisenstein likes to say. I see how my idealism and positivity serve an important purpose in my life, and I know these are some of my strengths that I bring to my community and work spaces especially when I'm in right relationship with these parts. Today I'd like to bring more balance to my life and my Hive feed with some moody ranting and complaining.
I spent most of yesterday feeling nauseous and completely out of sync. One of my love languages is food and most of my friends know me as a "conscious foodie" so something was definitely up when I didn't eat at all and basically had to force myself to hydrate throughout the day. I keep deleting reminders about the upcoming deadline for the student loan forgiveness application, even though I absolutely need to do this asap. I've been working on a blog post partly on Tulsi Gabbard leaving the Democratic Party, and I'm annoyed at my tendency to get lost in the complexity and not know how to write with objective simplicity. You know when you look at something for so long, your eyes play tricks on you and the words don't make any literal sense anymore? That's what happened to Tulsi Gabbard and her name every time I looked at it lol. Time to take another break from this piece.
Trying to do work was a joke. Looking at the computer screen aimlessly for an hour made me feel better for at least trying.
Earlier this year, I would've been delighted to be sought out by organizations like Americans for Responsible Technology and Children's Health Defense. The director of my master's degree program wants me to co-teach a university class with her on group facilitation and leadership skills, and this would've excited me to the core. I know these are excellent opportunities for outreach on important issues, not to mention personal growth and experience. The "old" me would've immediately hopped on these projects. Yet now that they're reaching out to me, all I've been wanting to do since I got back from Colorado is dance, create art and make love in the forest and mountains.
Perhaps the dissonance I've been feeling is from the many unexpected experiences of connecting to spirit lately. Great inner revelations about myself and the world keep showing up in my life. These states go way beyond words and form, reminding me of the concept of pratibha by Hindu linguistic philosopher Bhartṛhari, which means intuition, or a "flash of insight and understanding."
My ego, out of its own sincere desire for security and certainty, wants to make sense of these unspeakable experiences by trying to grasp at these insights so I can "learn from them and change my life for the better." Yet I end up suffering when I interpret these experiences as "Now I have to do something about this." Part of my Saturn Return will definitely be learning how to sit with experiences and not need to do anything with them.
So it makes sense that I'm in a funky place as I integrate all these different worlds, especially the "Upper world" which is where I've been finding myself living these days.
Shamans envision that we inhabit three worlds simultaneously. These worlds are said to exist within us and all around us. In short, they are described as:
Kai Pacha: the “middle world,” which might define the tapestry for our everyday experiences; the primal energy of this world is survival, but when balanced and secure, we can focus on mindfulness and present-moment awareness.
Uku Pacha: the “lower world,” that of our unconscious and house of psychological wounds, ancestral baggage, past life influences, and as-yet-realized potential.
Hanan Pacha: the “upper world,” also known as the world of our becoming, future potential, and possibilities; this may also be a link to where our destiny or purpose feels in alignment with our actions, as if we are “divinely inspired”.
- A Look Inside Shamanism’s Three Worlds, Christina Roberts Enneking
Anyways, all of the practical aspects of my day-to-day life along with esoteric principles I value are working its way through me and it's not comfortable. I felt the universe supporting me when the below meme randomly popped up today. It helped me lighten up and take myself less seriously:
This morning, I woke up feeling a bit better. Without thinking too much, I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote:
My heart is open. I'm not in either/or thinking. Giving myself credit for this.
Yet I am in the swim of things. Feeling love for someone for the first time in a while. What does that mean?
Why am I rushing for answers? Why am I rushing to change things?
Getting honest with yourself doesn't mean you need to have all the answers.
Focus on work. Focus on your creativity.
Be purposeful, not perfect.
Be in the space of the unknown and trust.
I'm going to spend today painting a collection of outdoor ceramic pots that my housemate was going to take to the dump. He was also going to throw away a beautiful small wooden table, and I spent yesterday covering it with white paint primer and used spackle to fill in the holes of the surface. I can't wait to see what I'm going to paint on this. And it'll be a good experiment to be in the inquiry of what I want to create, instead of being driven by performative anxiety and beating myself up with the need to be perfect.
