Instructions for living a life. Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.
—Mary Oliver
Recently, I've been diving into dark corners of the world: deep state sexual blackmail operations, child trafficking rings that serve the world's most powerful, and UFO activity in underground military bases in which covert forces protect its secrecy all costs. With every piece of information I learn about the darkness in the world, I find myself in a chronic space of tension, paranoia, cynicism, and obsession. At the same time, I know that the world is still good, despite the darkness. From a very young age, I've cultivated the ability to find the positive in everything.
My life's greatest challenges right now: How do I integrate all the different parts of me that seem to contradict each other? How do I have a healthy relationship to my sensitivity? How do I cultivate my own inner security amidst the inherent groundlessness of life? My life has changed drastically in the last few years. My understanding of how the world works has deepened in ways that I'm still integrating. The future of society looks uncertain in the face of rising polarization and unprecedented levels of national debt.
The fruits of my labor at work are slowly emerging. And I have a feeling that once I further embody trust, wonder, and relaxation (as opposed to fear, scarcity, and insecurity), my hard work will feel less physically and emotionally taxing. My work will attract positive outcomes that seem like a distant dream at this point.
As a young woman leaving her 20s soon, this seems like what it means to become an adult: to not live from my childhood wounds, fall into victim mindsets, or project onto others. To take responsibility for my actions and choices. To build a healthy self-esteem, and effectively deal with my fear and anger when they arise. To develop a good bullshit detector, and develop clean boundaries. To accept that life is always changing, and grasping onto certainty and answers only creates more suffering.
I'm here for all of it. And when I came across this poem recently, it took my breath away.
Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone.
As if life were a progressive and cunning crime with no witness
to the tiny hidden transgressions.
To feel abandoned is to deny the intimacy of your surroundings.
Surely, even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding out your solo voice
You must note the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things to come,
the doors have always been there to frighten you and invite you.
Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.
The kettle is singing even as it pours you a drink,
the cooking pots have left their arrogant aloofness and seen the good in you at last.
All the birds and creatures of the world are unutterably themselves.
Everything is waiting for you.
― David Whyte
This picture above was taken 6 years ago. If I could describe who I was at that time, I would say I embodied innocence, excitement, and a zest for life. I still have these qualities, yet I'm less naive and less blinded to the darker forces shaping society. I love where I'm going, yet I'm also scared at the same time. The only thing that seems to make sense right now is take it one step, one breath at a time.
I haven't been dancing much recently. This is partly due to feeling a pressure to constantly uplevel in my shuffle dance practice, which cuts me off from just simply moving, and grooving. Today, I danced in the sunshine and encouraged myself to just feel the joy of moving, instead of feeling the pressure to do cool moves.
I love doing the Running Man. It’s a move that’s pretty satisfying to watch, but even more satisfying to do. Like bobbing your head to the beat, but in full-body form. Like finding a song to run to that perfectly matches the tempo of your stride.
You can watch my latest dance videos here, along with my whole collection :)
