I never meant for all this to happen, you know. This journey into bi-curiosity did not begin with being interested in you.
Before this, I was feeling like I had finally found my place in the world. I had my relationship, my family, my friends, my friend group. Where I fit in. All the pieces of the puzzle were coming together. Then, I gained interest in the opposite sex.
I met the most lovely trans woman. It didn’t start out as anything. I wanted to be friends with her, she was so cool. I thought if I got to know her, I would have an entry way into the LBGT world. I could learn, meet new people, figure out how to talk to girls as interests.
We talked, we hung out and played video games together. I was able to talk to her about my feelings and concerns going into this. I never felt judged. It was just so comfortable to me, being around her. She was such a wonderful friend.
One day I went to go to hang out with her; I looked, and she was drop dead gorgeous. It blew me away. Her hair was of warm sand, and her eyes were the color of melted chocolate. I thought, “Well, shit!”
I had caught the feelings. What the fuck was I going to do now?
It didn’t end there. She showed interest in me too. But she was also resistant. I pushed. I jumped the gun. I kissed her. I felt nothing.
Then why didn’t the interest go away if there was no spark? No fire.
Because, don’t you know, fire is man made? Chemistry is just getting the right combination of elements. The right timing. Heat, passion, the right settings. Chemistry can be made between people. Hope cannot be broken because the future is always changing.
I am a train that runs on an unfinished track. I knew nothing was going to happen. I asked, and no, there wasn’t any of those feelings from her for me. She felt nothing for me. Kissing me felt like nothing. But I am bound to wreck. I knew what I was going to do. I had to go out with a bang.
I propositioned the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known, knowing she would turn me down. It didn’t hurt. Why didn’t it hurt, if seeing her interest in others hurts? The entirety of these emotions are confusing me. I made her awkward, uncomfortable, the girl I had been so cool with.
She told me I was interrogating.
Me? Tiny little me? No one would be intimidated. I felt so confused.
This person I had been so comfortable with had judged me after all. I was grasping at the strings of happiness. It tore me. Not the rejection, but the judgement. The fact she was so uncomfortable with me now.
I tried to apologize. But when I was talking, she started to walk away. She didn’t even stay near me long enough for me to promise to never put her in that kind of situation again.
Now there is nothing. Very little words, response, she doesn’t talk to me. I have to talk to her. Ks are the ice picks in the heart of the messaging world, and I am bleeding out.
She says don’t worry. I worry too much. We are still cool. She does that with everyone. But it wasn’t like that when she thought she liked me. It confuses me. I am not used to people changing who they are, how they act, unless they don’t want that person around anymore.
I never meant for this to happen. I wish I could turn back time and play it cool. Not go after her. Not be there the day she stole my breath. Not kiss her. Let it all grow.
But where is it going now? Have I completely lost it all?
UPDATE: almost a year and a half later, I talked to her and apologized for this moment in time. She said "you havent ruined anything" She had me over and we cuddled. Sometimes, she still hits me up a night. But, I think it's all for the best. There was always something off there, so maybe the time was never right. I still adore her, and consider her a crush, and I chat to her everyonce in a while, and I hope she finds happiness. I don't think I lost it all. I think I may be exactly where I need to be.
