"Come here my little buttercup"
The cow heaved its way through the gate.
"You're getting nice and fat now aren't you. We'll get Jack to swap you for some magic beans."
The cow mooed indifferently but it reverberated through the farmer.
"Now... there's no need for that Sheila."
At this point the farmer's wife came out.
"Do you want a cup of tea?"
"Not now you old cow!"
The farmer strode around his patch and stared at the daises and the grass and was proud of his little lot. Then he went inside and kicked off his muddy wellies.
"Jack!"
"Dad!"
"We need some magic beans, can you swap Sheila for them" Jack rushed down the stairs
"I don't know! It's Sunday. The supermarket closes at 4."
"Then you better get a move on you spring chicken!"
Jack picked up the leash and strapped it around the cow's neck before tugging the beast along the dirt track into town.
He tied up old Sheila outside the Aldi. He picked up a can of magic beans but when he got to the till he was lost. He had no money and there didn't seem to be a contactless cow reader. So upon realising this he put them in his pocket and shoplifted them.
"This is BBC Radio Kent - your top stories. Police are investigating the case of a cow that was abandoned at a supermarket in Canterbury. According to the shop's manager the cow was spotted at around 4pm on Sunday, although there have been no reports of how it arrived. Police are appealing for anyone with information to come forwards. The animal has been taken in for questioning.
"Now for our evening phone in about our big story. How did you think the cow got there? Did it take a wrong turning into town? Did it fall off a trailer? What's your theory? On line two we have Barney."
"I was listenings to the news and I think there's been a big misunderstanding. The cow what you was talking about was ours and we was swapping her for some magic beans."
The presenter chuckled. "Right... and you left the cow outside in exchange for the beans."
"Yeah. But I wants her back because Jack got the wrong sorta beans. You can't be swapping old Sheila for a can of Heinz Baked Beanz. There ain't 57 varieties in there. It's full of one type of bean and lots of orange gunk. I wouldn't feed that to the pigs let alone ourselves."
"Ok..." the reporter hesitated wondering if this yokel was joking.
"And what magic beans were you looking for?"
"You knows, the ones where you puts them in the ground and a big beansprout comes out and it leads to a magical land of giants and geese what lay big golden eggs!"
The presenter was staring at the producer the opposite side of the recording booth, shrugging his shoulders in confusion. Then he just waved at his neck, indicating for him to end the call.
"That's an interesting theory Barney. Next on line one we have Judith from Harrietsham..."
The farmer put the phone down in disgust. How could they be making fun of him? What's more the cow would be in custody and could be prosecuted for trespassing. He glared at his tea and took an angry slurp. He put on his flat cap and wellies and picked out the shotgun from under the sink.
He made the trek into town down the country lanes and arrived at the police station under the moonlight. The front desk was unmanned at this hour. He stormed around to the car park and heard a long MOOOOOOO.
"Don't worry Sheila. We're gonna bust you outta there in no time."
There was a back door to the cells. He lined up the shot and door flung back off its hinges. Through the charred remains of the wooden door he looked around at the cells. A guard was looking flustered as the farmer lined up another shot.
"You! You give me back my cow or you gets it!"
He jangled through the keys and opened up the cow's cell. The cow came out and the farmer locked the guard inside and flung the keys away.
"Night night! You should think twice before you lock up someone who can't say nuffin for herself."
They wandered down the high street, past the towers along their lane before they were back in their fields, at home. They were reunited, happily ever after.
THE END.