There's this one night, I remember waking up in a doorway. I have no idea what the time was and my watch was gone along with my wallet. I realized I also had blood on my hands and running down the back of my head. I'd been out drinking and presumably gone into blackout when something nasty happened.
I tried to get my bearings and realized I was in the doorway of a friend's apartment block. Putting 2 + 2 together I figured I'd somehow made it to his doorway, after whatever incident, before passing out.
Here's the crazy thing. I’d obviously been unconscious for a while, possibly robbed and in need of genuine help. You'd think my first reaction would be to ring the doorbell and ask for help. It wasn't.
This was over 20 years ago and I still remember. The first thing I did, albeit subconsciously, was to feel intense feelings of shame and guilt.
The feeling of shame aligned in my head with the words in my head "you're a failure", "you should be ashamed of yourself" & "carry on like this and you're going to hell." The shame told me I was shameful because the bad things like ending up in a doorway were me. That’s toxic shame. The shame that tells you why you’re a bad person.
Looking back the guilt was appropriate. I needed medical attention and felt guilt that I was about disturb my friend in the middle of the night. I mean, nobody wants a half drunk, semi-conscious medical case ringing their doorbell at 4am - I remember all the taxi’s had gone home. The feeling of guilt was telling me that my actions were going to cause my friend a good deal of hassle. For me that’s a reasonable feeling.
By example, if I borrow a friend’s car and scratch it even though I’ll pay for the damage I’ll most likely feel guilty, that’s normal. However, if I borrow his car and break the suspension because I wanted to see how far I can get the wheels off the ground over a speed bump… maybe I’ll feel shame. Well that’s healthy shame, appropriate shame. It tells me something I did was out of line with the person I want to be.
If it’s my car I’m at liberty to break the suspension. Doing that to his car I’m pretty sure he didn’t have that in mind when he lent it to me.
Back to the doorway… interestingly trying to get rid of the feeling of shame that I'd carried since a kid was likely what ended me up in the doorway in the first place.
Alcohol is a great solution for shame, that is until the consequences make it more of a liability than a solution. If your solution is completely unpredictable it’s not a great solution.
I’d been on a downwards trajectory for a while. The greater the feeling of shame the more I’d drink and use. The more I’d drink and use the more severe the consequences. The more severe the consequences the greater the feelings of shame… and so the cycle speeded up. That had not been the original plan.
That I made it to that doorway I don't think had much to do with me. I've had so many close calls where my expiration would have been the likely outcome.
Either I have this incredible spirit inside of me that despite all my best efforts wanted me to live. Or... I have to be open to the possibility that somehow I'm being looked after by some thing else…
I'm going to segue into what I don’t understand about "god". It's an emotive topic for many of us.
At this point I'll say that the "God of my early childhood understanding" wanted me to be perfect or damned. That was the choice and that was the message I'd thoroughly taken on board. Before the age of development of my pre-frontal cortex i.e. before I could reason why that stuff had some serious holes in it that I can see now.
It appeared that "he", and he was definitely a he, was currently fulfilling his part of the bargain by looking at the imperfection in my life and damning me to hell… on a regular basis.
Note: there were humans who were damning me on a regular basis no doubt to carry out the "word of God" as they understood it... look out for my forthcoming post:
"My favorite kind of hate mail - I have to change as they’re not going to."
This is what I know for sure; that all things being equal since 14 years old I should have been dead 100 times over and probably more. I can prove through my course of actions that I had a hellbent hatred of self and a desire to check out although not of my own direct actions… unintentional drug overdose would have done fine.
To the flip side of this I cannot prove any force, spiritual or universal energy, god, spooky action at a distance (thanks Einstein) or even that The Dude abides. You won't see me try to and I don't feel the need to… even though I used to.
If you ever see or hear me use the word "God" it's as a short-form concept for "there's some spooky stuff I don't understand 'cause bottom line I should be dead, a lot.”
“God” is a short word like "pie." When I say pie I mean "chocolate cream pie” - is there any other kind?
Actually that's just my favorite and if you tell me you believe "lemon meringue pie" is loved by you so much that you sent your only son to store to buy all of them... that's okay with me. No judgement. The world would be very dull if there was only one type of pie.
What I do like is that there are lots of pies that have similar characteristics. I'll say that I struggle with pecan pie and pumpkin pie although I don't deny them the right to exist or your right to eat them. That is as long as you don't force me to eat them.
Chocolate has always been my thing but I'll also acknowledge that in the future I may change my mind. I might try one of the others and find the truth of what's currently being said about them.
I’m sure there isn’t anything to be gained by shaming those who eat sweet green tomato pie. Especially as I haven’t tried it and given that I have no intention to try it. Go for it. Allow others to choose their pie as you wish to choose you’re own pie.
When it comes to pizza… well, I’m pizza agnostic. I'm aware that pizza exists but choose not to interact because I'm allergic to gluten and don’t get on well with the alternatives. I draw the line with eating pizza because it always ends in carnage for me. This is despite how I see others slicing with impunity.
Incidentally I've never seen a fist fight over "yeah, it's got pineapple on on it so what?" although I’m sure there has been. The human shadow is deep and pans all those who do not agree with it. See previous post on my embracing my cheesy humor… genuinely I didn’t plan that last one and just caught myself laughing.
If you ever see me using the word "god" it's only because it's the shortest word I know to best describe an invisible safety net that's caught me 100's of times after tight-roping death. It's an energy and in that case it might be easier if I call it "Odd" - something beyond my current comprehension that nevertheless appears to be real.
I will say one thing about Odd and that's I don't think he's a him, well not as I experienced "him" early on. What I experienced as "Him" was a patriarchal energy from both men and women. That is fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, envy, blame and the lowest vibration of them all... shame. The strongest elements of the human shadow.
Those emotional wounds left unexamined always self-authorize, that is they co-sign their own BS. Their thinking starts with "I may have gone too far this time..." and end up with "...but maybe not... maybe it was a good thing in the long run... maybe I didn't go far enough. Well that's something to think more about."
I used to feel a level of shame that justified my idea of self destruction. I’ve done a lot of shadow work. A lot of the shame sold to me as mine was not actually mine. I’ll add this is from a variety of people and sources.
For a long time I had an understandable level of anger and resentment to those who projected their shadow onto me. That shame only sticks if I believe it and it does still stick in places.
For me it affects my throat chakra the most. I’ve made a 170 videos on YouTube in 18 months and very few in the past few months. The end of 2018 brought up such intense feelings of shame and betrayal and in places it stuck and I stopped making videos. My writing these long posts, I know they’re long, is my way to get back when I’m ready into making videos. This much is only a 4 minute video.
A old friend texted me last year and said my life looked like a dream. Looking at my Instagram photos I can see how that would be. I love seeing beauty in the world.
My videos show someone working through trauma, hard emotions and traveling because nowhere feels like home, or particularly safe. Safety is having a trust in the world and in people. The opposite is true. If people prove themselves untrustworthy the feeling of safety will be elusive wherever you are. I’ll add Panama feels more like home than anywhere I’ve been.
Each day that I work to become more aware of the sticking places of my original shame “imprinting” the less it sticks. I did a lot of my work using the 12 Steps along with a whole lot of other healing modalities and techniques. I don’t believe one size fits anyone. I tried many things to find out what works for me and I feel better for it.
An unexamined life, a life lived in the absence of consultation with anyone different, will produce a personality that must prove itself right in every instance, at any cost and at any consequence. Humans have a capacity to want to deny feelings. Hey, let me say I have a huge capacity to deny feelings. Sometimes it's useful. But when I can be open to trying different things somehow my fear of the unknown lessens… and I can even find joy in things I used to think unimaginable. I’ll put the crazy stories in video. Blog post take hours.
My you always feel the light even when you can’t see it. May you feel loved even when you can’t see us sending you love. May those who feel strong enough hold up hands to show others they are supported... and if you’d like to let’s find our tribe members and create a world with more joy, love, connection and compassion.
