An Unexpected Adventure
The Buildup
It all began with a simple blood test that showed a problem with my liver, followed by an inconclusive CAT Scan and an MRI that really did not indicate what the problem might be. But indeed there was a problem, and my doctor strongly suspected that I had cancer and told me as much. By the time the second test had been performed, I had already developed an obvious case of jaundice and was starting to look less like a Caucasian and more like a native of Central America.
My doctor’s assessment was that it was clearly time for more serious exploration, one that involved exploring down the esophagus and beyond to discover what was really going on, He recommended the major research hospital in the state, the University of Kentucky. This time, an instrument was inserted through that tube to the stomach. But as it turned out, it could travel only so far.
The surgeon carrying out the unsuccessful procedure immediately set up an appointment with the chief cancer surgeon at the hospital. He confirmed to me that the likelihood, given the difficulty of the previous exploration, was Pancreatic Cancer, one of the most deadly and fastest spreading varieties of the dreaded disease. That Tuesday surgery was scheduled for four days later on Friday with a with a pre-operation screening by the anesthesiology doctors scheduled for the next day.
Let’s Whipple
I had expected to be able to spend a couple more days at home before the big day, but that was not to be. One of the many tests they performed on me Wednesday showed a blood sugar reading close to 500 and I had to be admitted to the hospital immediately so that the operation could still take place on schedule. The operation, called the Whipple Procedure after its creator, was a complete success. But it did, confirm the presence of a cancerous tumor the size of a fist at the pancreas. Following the operation I slowly recovered for two days in intensive care, followed by six more in the University of Kentucky Markee Cancer Center.
My Reaction
You might be wondering about my state of mind throughout all of this. Typical reactions to such circumstances could easily include anger, bewilderment, depression, fear, and so on. Interestingly, for those on a spiritual path, more positive responses including joy and appreciation are also possible. In my case and looking back on the experience I consider it to be one of the most important spiritual moments in my lie! Some who are reading this are probably thinking, “now that is just crazy”, given these obvious challenges and their possible outcomes. But my own state of mind and demeanor remained entirely positive and cheerful throughout, much to the amazement of my nurses and other care givers.
How could that be, you wonder? I think it really comes down to a question of choice: we can choose to complain and feel sorry for ourselves or we can choose to “go with the flow,” fully experiencing and learning from whatever the current, seeming challenge may be. Somehow I was able to maintain a significant level of cheerfulness and a positive attitude throughout. I attribute this to the teachings and practice of Tibetan Buddhism I have received over the past forty years. In recent years this has been further enhanced by the ever expanding enlightened vision of Shambhala Buddhism under the leadership of my guru’s son, the Sakyong, Mipham Rinpoche.
The Hospital Recovery Experience
Immediately following the seven or more hour surgery and finally beginning to regain consciousness I found myself in the recover room with my wife and daughter. My son would be flying in from Oklahoma the next day. The first words out of my mouth were quite strange indeed: “Welcome to Comedy Central!” followed by a few jokes that I don’t remember. In fact the only thing I honestly remember was struggling to remain conscious. Then began the constant monitoring of vital signs, temperature, blood pressure, and blood sugar. With a nurse or tech appearing at least every two or three hours, it was difficult for me to get very much continuous sleep. Nevertheless, the experience was completely wonderful and positive due to the ever caring staff and doctors and included moments of delightful humor.
One African-American tech had the delightful habit of providing each patient with whom she worked a nickname. Noticing my wild beard and long hair, she nicknamed me “Buckaroo!” But I did not let this one go lightly. On the second night of our working together, as she left the room I shouted, “Buckaroo says bye bye,” and she nearly fell over laughing.
Probably the funniest episode of all I call “The Great Pissaroo.” When you has been cut apart and then put back together in a slightly different configuration, it does take a while for certain normal functions to begin working again. To ensure regular progress in my urinary functionality, the doctors insisted that I urinate into a special plastic bottle to determine the progress, how much I was able to pee.
This went quite well until near the end of my stay. One night, experiencing a certain amount of chills and difficulty in sleeping, I requested a warm blanket, one that was quickly provided. This provided immediate relief and relaxation; so much so that very soon that old familiar and quite urgent feeling arose and I was quickly on my way to the bathroom, dribbling all the way like an expert basketball point-guard. Dutifully reaching for the plastic dispensary, I quickly realized that I had left the top on it, and the floor was soon covered with something other than water.
A quick call and response soon brought that night’s nurse and tech, who insisted that I immediately get in the shower and clean myself up. The tech joked, “and you had better clean that butt or I’ll have to get in there with you.” With my usual good humor I responded, “Be my guest, but don’t forget that ice cream I just heard you order.”
Spiritual Support from Every Direction
One of the most amazing aspects of the entire process was the strength and variety of prayers and support I received, some from unexpected places. Paramount among that support was that of my root guru, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, who was with me constantly in the realm of mind (he passed away in the mid 1980s). One particular experience is still very vivid in my mind. Just before they came to take me in for the operation, I had a private, mind-to-mind with him, with the full realization that my own life could easily be ending within the next few hours. I thought, "Rinpoche, I am ready to leave now if that is what is suppose to happen." His response "What do you want?" My answer, "I would prefer to stay." So after nearly five years I am still here doing all of my usual mischief.
Although this flawless and unsurpassed Tibetan meditation master had left this world in some time ago, our connection, based on unwavering devotion, has grown stronger, and positively exploded during this period. Incredible support and energy flowed from the local sangha–the community of fellow mediators. Especially significant, and the major highlight of the stay in the hospital was the visit of one of my oldest Vajra sisters, Adele. Now in her 80s and with great physical difficulty on her part, she was helped to the hospital and held my hand. This did more to relax me than I could possibly express in words and was the high point of the entire hospital stay. When she saw me chewing on ice to relieve the dryness and discomfort in my throat following the removal of various tubes, she shared with him a parable of the tree:
Be like a tree
Stand tall and strong
Drink plenty of water
And enjoy the view
But the spiritual energy and support did stop there. Hardly! Devout Catholics, my father- and mother-in-law in Florida arranged for a Mass on my behalf and added me to their prayer group. The local country Baptist Church also added him to their prayer group. Even his previous wife in Oklahoma arranged for her Reiki group to send energy his way. It is amazing how people of such a variety of faiths can connect to he basic goodness within their spiritual traditions and send spiritual aid to someone in a very different one.
It was Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, in his Shambhala teachings, who introduced the term, “basic goodness,” pointing to the fact that at the deepest level of consciousness we all share something that is fundamentally wholesome, compassionate, caring, and which embodies all of the aspects of enlightened mind. The examples in the previous paragraph demonstrate convincingly that this quality is to be found in each human being, and that we can find expressions of it in many, if not most of the genuinely spiritual religions of the world.
As I indicated above, we always have a choice, even in the most challenging and seemingly dire circumstances. By tuning into our birthright, this basic goodness, we often have the best chance of discovering the most skillful manner in which to deal with the current challenge, whether it seems positive or negative. Adopt the proper attitude, these challenges often provide a Wonderful opportunity for spiritual growth.
In closing I hope that this might be of some small benefit for anyone facing any health crisis in the hope that they will be able to face seemingly impossible and certainly very difficult challenges with cheerfulness and appreciation. I look forward to reading their stories in the future.