I’m not talking about finishing that game in one day or going to that party and studying in one night, I’m talking about real achievements. Real things like making a genuine connection with someone or completing a goal.
I always thought I had all the time in the world. That was until I was diagnosed.
Everything was easier before that, I had a social life, I had a large group of friends, there was so much more I could do without having to question my ability to do it or wondering if I had the strength to complete the simplest of tasks.
I now have one friend. My nurse, Leah. She is always with me and we can have meaningful conversations, even when there isn’t much to talk about, she has a way of making you feel like you are the most important thing in her life in that moment.
I suppose when something tragic happens to you, people don’t know how to handle it, so they choose to not handle it. I haven’t heard from my old friends since I was 16. I’m turning 19 next week.
I don’t mind so much but it bothers my mom that I don’t get as much human interaction as I used to, but to be completely honest with you, I don’t like humans as much as I used to.
Leah is always encouraging me to talk to Noah, the boy who volunteers at my hospital but somehow I always seem to be more confident before he walks into my ward.
But today was different, I had just been given my meds and Noah walked in, “Hi Miss Roscow” he said as he wheeled my “roomate” in, my heart skipped about 10 beats and my mind raced from “My surname is Roscow” to “I’m gonna puke” to “Why is he talking to me after 2 months of volunteering at my hospital”, but instead my mouth blurted “ Oh no, that’s Mrs Pieters, I’m Miss Roscow,”.
He laughed and said “ I know that, I was saying hi to you”,
“What an idiot of course he was talking to you”
“Oh, ha, I thought you were confused”, I nervously tucked a rebelious curl, back behind my ear.
“No, I have been here for a little over two months Miss Roscow, I know who is in this ward” he smiled and walked over to my bedside.
“I know” I said as I stared at my lap, while blushing almost as brightly as the red blanket that was strewn across my bed, “ and please, call me Ella, only my father calls me Miss Roscow and it usually means I’m in trouble” He laughed and I somehow managed to drag my eyes away from my lap just to see the last of his laugh and it was one of the most beautiful things I’d seen in the last three years of being in and out of this hospital.
“Okay Ella, would you allow me to walk you down to the cafe and buy you a coffee?” he asked with a gentle smile
“Um, well, um”
“Say yes you fool”
“Yeah, um, okay, I think I could handle that” I finally blurted out
He gave me a massive grin and held out his hand “ Ma’am, may I help you out of your seat?” I giggled, “Well sir, I do think we will need an accomplished medical assistant to make my mechanical lungs portable” he laughed.
“Shall I call Leah for you?” he offered.
“If you wouldn’t mind, that would be very helpful,” I said as I gave him a half smile.
Leah came in and made me portable and Noah and I went down to the cafe and had coffee and spoke about our lives and then the inevitable question came up, “ Ella?”
“Yes Noah?”
“Why are you in here?”
“Noah, you’ve been walking in and out my room for two months, my chart with my medical notes on it, has always been at the end of my bed. You honestly don’t have to act like you don’t know” I said in a very calm tone as if I were talking about something basic and ordinary and for a moment I forgot how unordinary I was.
“I’ve never read your chart.”
“Well why not?”
“ I see no reason to be nosey about anybodys condition unless it concerns me, and I was to shy to ask”
I smiled and took as much of a deep breath as my lungs would allow, “ I am, what you would call, a miracle. You see, my lungs never fully developed but my family and I never knew this because it wasn’t apparent when I was born that they hadn’t fully developed. My lungs stopped growing when I was 10 years old. I used to be very athletic so I used my lungs at full capacity, but when I was 16, I collapsed after an interhouse track race. I was rushed to a hospital and put on oxygen and taken for xrays. That’s when the doctors noticed my left lung had shrivelled to about the size of avocado pear and my right lung was overcompensating and was working so hard it caused me to collapse. My doctor basically told me that I was lucky to still be alive but there is absolutely nothing they can do. My dad left us shortly after my diagnosis and my mom has been working three jobs to try and keep up with the hospital bills and I don’t even know why because I have 7 months of estimated time left and after I die she will still be working to pay for my bills” I left out a grunt and swallowed hard to prevent anymore tears from streaming down my face. I couldn’t look up, not now. I felt a hand touch mine and I glanced up and there were tears in his eyes, I let out a little laugh, “I’m sorry, I usually leave the part about dying out...”
“You are phenomanal Ella Roscow”
I looked up with astonishment, “ On the contrary, I am actually quite ordinary” I smiled and sniffed.
“No, I will have to disagree with you on that one. You are dying, yet every morning 20 minutes after I get here, I see you go on down to the cafe and get Mrs Pieters a hot cup of green tea and a bran muffin. Every single day.”
“ Oh that’s only because she needs it and she’s too frail to go and get it herself” I smiled sheepishly.
“Ella,” he said as he grabbed both my hands in his, “ the whole reason I am here is to complete task such as the one you do every morning, don’t put yourself down. I have seen you go and sit at the cafe when Mrs Pieters family gets here and I’ve seen you bring back a slice of cake for Leah and the other nurses, even though they get everything at the cafe for free.” He looked at me in a way I have never been looked at. It made all my nerve endings ping with an unfamiliar tingle.
“I never knew you paid attention to me.”
“Of course I have, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
I felt my face turn bright red. “Well as Jamie Sullivan said so iconically, okay but you can’t fall in love with me.” I smiled with as much genuiety as I could muster in that moment. Although I felt like doing the exact opposite of smiling. I looked at Noah and all I could feel was utter regret. Not for me but for him, maybe if we met in another life I could be the kind of girlfriend he needed, the kind he could go to movies with, the kind he could take to dinner, the kind that’d be alive a year from now.
The next month went by and Noah and I spent more and more time together, getting to know each other but I couldn’t help but start to get attached to him.
It was 11 pm and I was sitting up watching a movie on my laptop when my phone vibrated.
Noah:
Hi Miss Roscow, are you still awake? :)
Me:
Hi, yeah I am, what’s up?
Noah:
Are you allowed to leave the hospital?
Me:
Yeah I am, why?
Noah:
I’m gonna take you on a date! An actual one, not just to the cafe😊
Me:
I’d have to check with Leah but I’m not sure it would be such a great idea...
Noah:
Don’t worry princess, Leah was the one who suggested it 😉 Sleep tight xx
I dropped my phone and stared at the ceiling with absolute dread but a whole lot of excitement. Could this be my very own John Green love story...
