Hello @kilvnrex, I'm taking the liberty of offering you some detailed advice on your story. You may disregard what I say completely, but I think you put effort into your pieces and I would like to see that effort yield the results you deserve.

I think it has been mentioned that dialogue would improve the readability, and therefore readers' experience of your stories. I'd like to give you a couple of easy tips for inserting dialogue so that it is integrated smoothly into the piece.

What I do, when I write a story, is get it all out. Write it down as I imagine it in my mind. Then I go back and I look for places where dialogue can be easily inserted. In this story, for example, you write:

One time he got a customized bugatti in her name and wanted to give it to her for her upcoming birthday, but she said she wasn’t into cars and just left.

Perfect spot for dialogue. Mia could say, "I'm not into cars." There. It's done. A short line of dialogue and you've communicated the same idea.

Another place would be here, where you write:

No one on campus knew where Mia lived so the plan was for one person to secretly follow her home, and that person would lead them to where Mia lived.

Dialogue insertion would be easy here, something like this:
No one on campus knew where Mia lived so Joe pulled over one of his flunkies and said,"Follow Mia home. Don't let anyone see you. Then, come back and show us where she lives."

More dialogue. Breaks up the story. Makes the appearance on the page look less uniform, and actually makes the piece easier for the reader to follow. If you look throughout the piece you will see many instances where this sort of dialogue insertion is possible.

Hope you don't mind that I make these suggestions. I've been around (on earth!) for a long time and I like to help people along whenever I can.

Happy writing.