I was in my place of work. I would like to say I was actually achieving something but instead, my day was being taken up with lots of pointless meetings. As usual, my foolproof method of surviving so many of these long dreary talkathons is to drink lots of coffee.
I would be the first to admit that it can make me a little hyper, a little manic even. Still, a man has to do what a man has to do. Even if that means riding the caffeine pony until it bites you in the behind.
The fourth one of my infernal meetings was after lunchtime.
It had been a long day and as such, I was armed with not only a cup of coffee but a cake as well. I was struggling to focus and thought that the combined whack of sugar and caffeine might just help me get by.
As the rest of the denizens filed in I noticed one guy, in particular, I had never met.
He was huge. A mountain of a man. His shirt bulged around his giant spherical middle and holding up his giant almost comical trousers was a set of red braces stretched over his torso.
I wondered if it was someone's birthday and we had hired a clown.
It became apparent as we did the usual round the table introduction malarkey that he wasn't a hired clown and instead was a real person.
The meeting started.
We were only about five minutes in when I heard a gravelly yelp followed by a thunderous crash.
Everyone leapt to their feet in horror. It was Red Braces. He had somehow fallen to the floor.
Like a big springy rubber cat, I bounded around the table in a giant caffeine fuelled leap and landed near the crash site of Red Braces.
I stared at the destruction sprawled out on the floor. I may have let out a little bit of a snorting laugh.
Oh my god?! You broke the chair!
I squealed in a high pitched giggly voice.
Red Braces rolled left and right in among the debris of what had once been a proud plastic office chair. He looked a bit like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle with none of the grace or ninjacity.
Are you alright?
I said, bringing my voice down from girly giggly to loud and patient. In fact, very loud. As if he were deaf or a particularly slow-witted dog.
Do I look alright? He yelled, quite indignantly. Help me up?!
I grabbed his big meaty wrist and gave an experimental tug. He didn't budge.
Guys, a little help here?
I called to the others in the meeting. They were mostly just standing around staring, the occasional stifled titter could be heard.
We might need a crane.
One guy muttered unsympathetically.
The crane thankfully was not required. Three of us managed to hoist him to his knees and then fetch another chair for him to heave himself into.
The meeting carried on. All was forgotten or so it seemed. Afterwards, I was back at my desk. I had only been sat down on my return for about ten minutes when my boss came over.
BoomDawg, can I have a word in meeting room 6?
Yeah, sure.
I got up and followed him over to the meeting room. I hoped it was a quickie and I was not being dragged into yet another nonsense meeting. I opened the door of the room. To my surprise, the big guy Red Braces was there. My boss bade me have a seat.
BoomDawg, there has been a complaint made... It has been alleged that you said that... he gestured over to Red Braces who had a face like spoiled milk. Well, you said he broke his chair.
That is correct!
I beamed.
So you admit it?
Of course I do. He broke his chair. There was a meeting room full of people. We all saw it.
My boss leaned forward over the table.
The implication being of course that it was his weight?
I smiled a cold smile. A smile that told my boss I knew his game and his game was rubbish.
His weight? Oh goodness me? No. Why would that be a factor?
My boss looked over to Red Braces.
Well you know, because he is so heavy?
Hey! You can't say that?!
Interrupted Red Braces.
I sat and stared smugly at my boss who was now looking quite flustered.
Eh, no, I didn't mean that... I meant, erm. Well, I meant... BoomDawg?
Yes boss?
We are finished, you can go.
Cheers boss!
I got up and tipped them a wink. As I left I could hear the big chunky voice of Red Braces demanding an apology.
I chuckled, I loved outwitting the boss man, it made a day seem quite special.
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